"ONCE A COCONUT HEAD ALWAYS A COCONUT HEAD" Goes to Perth Glory star, Kasey Wehrman who this week strongly criticized the attitude of overseas clubs towards Aussie trialists. "They don't show much respect for Australians (in Europe). You have your Kewell's and Viduka's in England but elsewhere you're just some coconut head trying to take someone else's spot," said the former Brisbane Striker banana bender cum King of the Coconut Heads. Ah it's good to know that you can take the boy out of the Brisbane Strikers but you can't take the Brisbane Strikers out of the boy. April 2001
AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to our very own Socceroo and now official work permit, visa, jock strap, wife and all, member of West Ham United, Hayden Foxe. Yes, the man the Diegos love to love, West Ham manager, Harry Redknapp loves to love and evidently, French women love to love, has finally become eligible for a visa to work in Europe after marrying his French girlfriend, Fabienne in Las Vegas. "We are in love and that's what you do when that hits you - you get married," explained the love sick Foxe to wedding guests at Nuggets Casino, Las Vegas. Apparently weeks and months of courting, chocolates, flowers and those very intimate notes to someone, anyone, in British immigration, were again amounting to nothing until in a Paolo Di Canio - like twist, a typical government stuff up meant that all the flowers, chocolates and intimate notes got to his girlfriend instead. Fortunately for Foxey, Fabienne saying 'Qui, Qui' to tying the knot was enough for the hairy bloke with the stamp at immigration to do the same and the rest is history. 'They should be very happy. Make no mistake this is for real,' said the Elvis jump suit clad minister at the 24 hour 'Weddings are Us' chapel in Vegas, 'I could see the love in Hayden, Fabienne and for that matter, Harry's eyes - there was no doubt about it." By the way, thanks for the invite Foxey. March 2001
"THE BEST DIRTY DOUBLE CROSS" AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to our very own schemer, trickster, prankster and one who always believes that revenge is a dish best served cold, yes we could only be talking about one person, former Manchester United seventh string keeper and now Chelsea FC millionaire custodian, Mark Bosnich. Yes Bozza, who had been condemned to an eternity of reserve grade football under Sir Alex at United because of his alleged weight problems, fast lane lifestyle & relaxed approach, last week got his wish and secured a free transfer from Old Trafford on the unwritten condition that he go abroad, take his hair gel and get outta town. Bozza for his part accepted the deal with open arms and revenge in his heart, and promptly joined archenemy Chelsea on a million pound deal, reportedly making Ferguson furious. In a short but brief unconfirmed and unsubstantiated press release that fell off the back of a truck and into the hands of the Four Diegos, Bosnich succinctly explained how felt: 'Hey Fergie Nah Nah Nanah Nah.' End of statement January 2001
"THAT'S A STRANGE LOOKING ARAB" AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to Australian FIFA agent and manager of our very own Simon Colosimo, George Christopoulos for this week being skeptical of the story that Leeds Utd manager; David O'Leary was in Dubai watching his client play for the Socceroos. "My understanding is that O'Leary wasn't there and there was definitely no sighting of him, unless he was disguised as an Arab Shiek," Spot on George. The Diegos are convinced O'Leary was the guy on the multi- humped mutant camel by the exit gates. That'd be right. Trying to whisk away our young Aussie stars like some kind of Arabian Knight. Well O'Leary you're Irish! A camel jockey yes, but still Irish. Get your filthy mitts of our young Aussies. October 2000
"HEY WASN'T THAT SIR ALEX FLEEING FROM THE SCENE?" Goes to the bloke who rammed the back of out of favour, Manchester United goalkeeper - Mark Bosnich's BMW convertible this week. "It looks like he had pulled up behind a Volvo at the lights and a big Mercedes four-wheel drive seems to have hit him from behind" eyewitness Geoff Barnett said after the accident. Reports that Manchester United boss, Alex Ferguson was seen tossing Bosnich the number 13 shirt before fleeing the scene of the crime has yet to be confirmed however. On the basis of this rumour we'll have to give Sir Alex the Diegos 'Hate Campaign' Gringo; Well done Fergie! August 2000
"THE STUPIDEST MANAGER" AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to the manager of English first division club, Birmingham City -Trevor Francis, for his response to the possibility that Socceroo; Stan Lazaridis might miss up to 12 games for his club because of the Olympics… "This is not what I wanted to hear. Don't they have enough players in Australia?" Well yes, as a matter of fact, we do have enough players in Australia Mr. Francis - we also have plenty of Kangaroos, flies, VB drinkers and dirty phone talking cricketers - it's just that we like to pick our best footballers for our national teams - a concept you obviously have not heard about. Mr. Francis you're definitely a stupid Gringo! August 2000
Goes to Norwegian club side, Ham Kam yes that right, Ham Kam for having the most bizarre name the Diegos have come across in world football this week. Former Perth Glory tear-away striker- Vas Kalogeracos who incidentally plays for this club but reportedly tells no one, has been quoted (unconfirmed, of course) as saying… 'Are you kidding? Why would I tell anyone I play for this club? The only endorsements I can get are from SPAM ham and Pigs Are Us. Not very attractive options you'd agree' July 2000
"HEY STAVROS, GET ME OUTTA HERE" AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to Olyroo and former South Melbourne midfielder, Bill Damianos who this week, perpetuated his love - hate relationship with Greek club, Xanthi by defying club orders not to leave the country and joining the Olyroos for Olympic preparatory games in Slovakia and Holland. "I'm committed to the national team," declared a defiant Damianos. Xanthi, for their part, retaliated by suspending the player from league games and next Thursday night's souvalki sizzle, and fining him A$ 1,000 or four million Greek drachma (Four Diegos exchange rates). It's not the first time that the maverick Damianos has fallen foul of his Greek employers however. In January the Olyroo aspirant missed Australia's four nations tournament in Adelaide because he was recruited into the Greek army; they say a kind of Hogan's Heroes on retsina with a Zorba the Greek type war dance. Good Luck Billy you're gonna need it! April 2000
"MONICA LIGHT MY CIGAR" AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes our very own Socceroo and sometime Manchester United custodian, Mark Bosnich, who this week seemingly cemented his position as the Red Devils No.1 (for the third time this season) after a sterling display in the 0-0 draw against Valencia in the Champions league. "He's the Boz-ness," screamed 'The Sun' English tabloid as it raved about Bosnich's effort, whilst simultaneously building him up just so they can cut him down next time he unleashes a Basil Fawlty Nazi Salute at the Tottenham fans. Manchester United manager, Sir Alex Ferguson, who has dropped Bosnich from the team on three occasions this season and purchased 3 keepers in a bid to oust the Aussie, described our Mark's performance as 'Excellent'. In fact, so impressed was Ferguson at Bosnich's outstanding performance that it has been reported that he is in the market and ready to spend $8 million for another goalkeeper, Frenchman Ulrich Rame in the off-season. All the Diegos can say is ...Thank God Bozza's playing well or there would be hell to pay! March 2000
" ANOTHER MID-AIR DRAMA? SURELY YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS? I AM SERIOUS AND DON'T CALL ME SHIRLEY" AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to unloved Socceroo keeper, Mark Bosnich and the team that doesn't want him anymore, Manchester United, for their brush with death during the week whilst flying to their European Champions league clash against Bordeaux. Hot on the heels of the Socceroos 'Whadda mean we've only got one engine left?' - drama on the way to Chile and the Football Kingz - ' You idiot, you forgot to close the plane door ' - drama on the way to South Melbourne recently, the Red Devils European campaign, not to mention their campaign to remain alive, looked doomed once the pilot of their Boeing 757 discovered a potential problem with the landing gear. Thankfully for Man U fans the boys arrived to their destination safe and sound. As for the Bosnich - Ferguson impasse, rumours that the mid air drama was not due to faulty landing gear but instead to Bosnich strapping Ferguson to the plane wing butt naked in a bid to re-instate him to the side, is yet to be confirmed. March 2000
AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to Australian born and AIS bred, Joe Simunic who this week finally, after four years of indecision, committed himself to play for Australia rather than the country of his parent's birth, Croatia. "I want to repay Australia and, after all that's happened, I know that might sound a bit stupid," he explained. Simunic did confirm that being dragged in a Zagreb Police station on a recent trip to Croatia, were he was due to make his debut for the Croatian Under 23's, and grilled as to why he had not completed his military service, was a major factor in making his decision. Great news Joe, welcome aboard…by the way, General Peter Cosgrove from East Timor is on the phone and desperate to talk to you! January 2000
Goes to the scourge of Aussie soccer and the major protagonist in Harry Kewell ' Club V Country' tug of war, Leeds United who this week, after admitting that it wasn't worth signing Aussie players if they are going to play for Australia, signed Olyroo goalkeeper, Danny Milosevic from Perth Glory for $160,000. This is a great move for Danny and Perth Glory but did anyone bother to tell Leeds United that the boy is Australian; he plays for the Olyroos and is required for the Olympics? January 2000
"WHO WANTS TO BE A MANCHESTER UNITED KEEPER THIS WEEK?" AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to Manchester United legendary manager and perennial thorn in the side of our Mark Bosnich, Sir Alex 'I like to see Bozza squirm' Ferguson, who this week announced that, in the wake of another pinged Bosnich hamstring, he will enter the transfer market yet again to sign another keeper - his third for the season. His target - Porto's Portugese custodian, Victor Baia - would worry Bosnich, who after seeing off the challenge of another one of Ferguson's goalkeeping purchases, Italy's Massimo 'I was born with a big gap between my legs' Taibi, thought the United's No.1 strip was his for good and that smoking cigars was in order. Well it seems that the only one smoking cigars is Ferguson who apparently also likes to butt them out in Bosnich's dodgy hamstring...to be continued… December 1999
"IF ANYONE PRESENT HERE TODAY OBJECTS TO THIS COUPLE BECOMING MAN AND WIFE SPEAK NOW OR FOREVER HOLD YOUR PEACE" AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to IMG, the management of stay-away Aussie star, Harry Kewell, who denied this week, that their client "Marriage is not an option!" declared IMG After further investigation, it seems that it is, in fact, Harry's club, Leeds United that are against the 'lovebird union'. Apparently, Leeds club doctors believe that the Bridal Waltz and the Wedding night Grapple Fest & Toe Sucking will slow the healing process of Harry's bruised calf. November 1999
"THE FASTEST GUN IN ALL MEH-HE-CO" AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to Socceroo and Celtic striker, Mark 'I've got to get out of this place' Viduka, who scored one of the fastest triple sausage rolls on record for his beloved Celtic in their 5 - 1 pasting of Aberdeen last weekend. A left foot thunderbolt in the 53rd minute, a crashing header in the 54th minute, and a Nancy-boy flicked header in the 58th minute sent all mad Celts scurrying for their slabs of Bovril and their Rod Stewart CD's. Well done V-Bomber…Isn't time you came home again mate???? November 1999
Goes to the Aussie star goalkeeper who has been paid more money to sit on the bench for Manchester United than Monica Lewinsky gets for her weight loss tips, Mark Bosnich, for reclaiming his spot as the Red Devils custodian in recent weeks. Reportedly nicknamed 'Lard' by his United teammates, Bosnich trained alone until 6 pm every night in a bid to shed the excess kilos and re-establish himself as Old Trafford's No.1 choice keeper once again. Everyone is ecstatic about Mark's newfound zest for training and activity…. 'He's impressed me, he has been training like a beast', said the admiring Man United manager, Sir Alex Ferguson. 'He's impressed me, he hasn't been eating like a beast', said his personal weight loss advisor. 'He's impressed me, he kisses & cuddles like a beast', said his insatiable wife. On ya Boza you've made the Diegos proud. October 1999
- LEEDS WON'T MIND " AWARD OF THE WEEK: Goes to 'Want away, stay away, I'm coming home, I'm too stressed to play' Socceroo and Celtic gun striker, Mark Viduka, who was reported this week as being a recruiting target for 'the thorn in the side of the Socceroos team', Leeds United, in a multi-million dollar deal. The Diegos reckon that Leeds, who is perpetually loath to release our star, our boy, our saviour, Harry Kewell, whenever Aussie soccer needs him, should themselves be taught a lesson. Our advice to Mark? Sign up on a watertight contract and then come home. We can provide a Dr. Groin sick note for as long as you need. You've done it before. You can do it again Big V. Sunny Keilor Downs beckons. August 1999
"THAT'S MY BOY" AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to absolute superstar, stud, magician, legend, have I said superstar & Socceroo and Leeds United champion, Harry 'I'll never have a bad game' Kewell, for his swashbuckling display against the so called best team in the world, Manchester United in Leeds 2-0 loss last weekend. Kewell's jinking runs, rasping drives from downtown and general toying with opposition, made the Manchester United Spice Boys look as stupid as Bill Clinton trying to explain why he keeps on having to have sex with everyone but his wife. August 1999
"DON'T YOU THINK ITS TIME TO COME HOME FOR A BIT OF A REST - YOU'VE BEEN AWAY ALL OF THREE WEEKS" AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to want-away Glasgow Celtic, Aussie striker, Mark ' I Still Call Australia Home' Viduka. The V- Bomber, who is remembered for fleeing Celtic days after his $8 million transfer from Croatia Zagreb last January, has now been away from home for all of 3 weeks and concerns about his state of mind have resurfaced again after he notched a double in Celtic's first round, Scottish league, 5-0 demolition of Aberdeen last weekend. " The boy doesn't look well," said a worried Carlos Alberto Diego. "He misses his mum's cooking," said a concerned Manuel Manuel Diego "His running with a limp." said the Four Diegos resident medico, Dr Groin "Gee he has nice buns," said the Four Diegos British expert, the sultry Lola La Bomba Go on Mark, take a break, come home, you deserve it and Lola wants a date!!! August 1999 |
