"THERE'S NOT ENOUGH ROOM FOR TWO CHICKEN MEN IN THIS TOWN"
AWARD OF THE WEEK
Goes to Perth Glory owner and millionaire Chicken Treat Chicken proprietor Nick Tana who this week, in wholly unreliable, unsubstantiated and unconfirmed reports, issued an ultimatum to La Ionica Chicken owner and potential investor in the Carlton Soccer Club - Sam Cuteri, not to invest in the NSL or the feathers will fly.
"There's not enough room for two chicken men in this barnyard bucko. Isn't it enough that my cooked chicken draws the GST and your plucked one's don't," said a fired up Tana to Cuteri in a private meeting on neutral Red Rooster turf.
This week Cuteri coincidentally, dropped out of the race to buy the Carlton Soccer Club.
December 2000
"IT'S SUPER CHICKEN TO THE RESCUE" AWARD OF THE WEEK
Goes to a Melbourne consortium headed by La Ionica Chickens owner, Sam Cuteri who this week made an eleventh hour bid to take over the financially stricken Carlton Soccer Club.
In unconfirmed reports it is said that Cuteri, if successful, hopes to introduce the same business and marketing strategy that helped make him a multi million-dollar chook magnate.
'We'll change the name to the Epping Roosters, Fog Horn Leg Horn will be the coach, the Chicken Hawk the captain and Freddy the Free Range Egg the club mascot."
Apparently Plucka Duck is tabling Cuteri's 'Finger Lickin' Good' proposal at Soccer Australia as we speak.
December 2000
"MAMA ALWAYS SAID: NEVER KISS ON THE FIRST DATE"
AWARD OF THE WEEK
Goes to Socceroo, Olyroo and Carlton star, Simon Colossimo, who this week was bed-bound with a virus and a face full of cold sores.
'I think a lot of it is stress related' said a croaky and blistered Colosimo.
The Diegos think not.
To all you disco goers out there, listen to Mama, never, ever kiss on the first date!
A 'get well soon' Gringo to you Simon, we love you mate but we won't kiss you!
August 2000
WWW.CON.HEY YOU AWARD OF THE WEEK
Goes to the kings of the web, the virus that Melissa never had and the 'Super' in the Information Super Highway; the Carlton SC for broadcasting last night's blockbuster against the Canberra Cosmos live on the internet to the multitude of their fanatical fans…. Yes that's right, all 1,734 of them!
In a bid to bring to you only the best fly on the wall, real, as it happens, eyewitness TV,
the Blues live broadcast included…
· Carlton coach, Stuart Munro's pre-match address complete with SBS subtitles.
· Special comments from Carlton players, excluding any Shane Warne: 'Can't Kick, Can't Play' teammate-type sledging in addition to any gratuitous bagging of opponent's sisters and mothers.
· And of course, the coaches half time and post match address, censored for the little kiddies out there and with a special guest appearance from Lou Sticca
· And, last but not least, on Carlton's X-rated site - 'Let's play Doctors & Nurses with the Bluebirds', there was a glimpse of John Markovski scrubbing Alex Moriera's back in the shower…
Good on ya Carlton.
What a great way of attracting the computer hackers market!!
April 2000
"WORSE THING TO SAY WHEN YOUR TEAM IS LOSING AND YOU'VE GOT TO STILL FEED AND CLOTHE YOUR KIDS" AWARD OF THE WEEK:
Goes to 'under the pump' coach of the beleaguered Carlton Soccer Club, Stuart Munro, whose team has only picked up a meagre 2 wins from their last 12 games.
In the aftermath of another failure against Adelaide Force last week, Munro decided not to rattle off time honoured coaching excuses such as….
· "We've got a horrendous injury list"
· "The referee crucified us" or
· "It was all the Liberal Government's fault"…but instead to go for the ill-advised honesty approach…
"The players won't listen to me," cried Munro with a hint of desperation.
Famous last words or a catalyst to go on to win the championship?
The Diegos know which one to put the house on!
March 2000
"BEST SPRAY" AWARD OF THE WEEK & POSSIBLY OF THE YEAR"
Goes to outgoing, time bomb, loose cannon, general manager of the Carlton Soccer Club, Lou "I'm going to give you a piece of my mind if you, like it or not" Sticca, who last week outdid himself with one of the best lambasting ever delivered in a post match team talk in any sport, after the Blues' insipid 2-1 home loss to Adelaide Force.
"I am still the general manager and I will say what I have to. We are not a football club; we are a disgrace. I am blaming every one of you. I can't give any more so I quit. I have the guts to quit. Some of you might want to quit as well," said a fired up Sticca.
Quit??? What and miss the Lou Sticca farewell speech?
If you don't mind Lou, the Diegos would like to hang around.
March 2000
"I THINK THAT'S THE POINT STUART" AWARD OF THE WEEK
Goes to the frustrated coach of the Carlton SC, Stuart Munro, who for the second week in a row will be without Kiwi internationals, Sean Douglas and Mark Atkinson because they have been called up to play friendly internationals for NZ against China.
"I can't understand why they are playing internationals friendlies now. The World Cup qualifiers are 18 months away," exclaimed a bemused Munro.
The Diegos know that it's a difficult concept to grasp but doesn't preparation occur prior to an event?????
Just ask the 1998 World Cup Socceroos!!!
January 2000
"BREAKER, BREAKER, TEN FOUR BIG BUDDY, I THINK WE'VE GOT OURSELVES A CONROY"
AWARD OF THE WEEK
Goes to Road train, Rubber Duckie, Carlton Soccer club, target man, Mike Conroy who is yet to open his goal scoring account for the Bluebloods since his arrival from England.
According to Carlton coach, Stuart Munro, Conroy has, in the opening rounds, foolishly underestimated the standard of the NSL and paid for it with some under par performances thus far…
" I said, don't kid yourself Mike it's better than the English second division, and I genuinely believe that he agreed", said the straight shooting Munro.
You better get your act together Mike or else you'll be sent home packing in the Carlton sponsored Beep, Beep Barina rather than traveling to glory in a Lou Sticca, Big Mack truck…
Yep I think we've got ourselves a Conroy!
October 1999
"FROM BOILED LOLLIES TO CHOCOLATES" AWARD OF THE WEEK
Goes to the Carlton SC who this week announced that they had signed Cadbury's as a
sponsor for this season.
At the announcement Blues coach, Stuart Munro, looking relaxed and sipping on a 'glass and a half of full cream milk' said, " It's great to have Cadbury's on board. I'm confident that we are 'Cherry Ripe' for a great season even though this week's clash against Marconi will be no 'Picnic'.
Munro went on to refute suggestions that Cadbury's had overtly influenced the way he conducts himself at media press conferences.
He could not however confirm or deny the rumour that, just as Geelong footballer, Gary Hocking had changed his name to 'Whiskas' to appease his club's sponsor, Blues hard man skipper, Andrew Marth had changed his name to 'Fruit and Nut' as part of the Cadbury deal.
'We all know Marthy is a bit 'fruity' but that's ridiculous!" he retorted.
October 1999
"DOG GONE IT! IT'S A DOG EAT DOG NATIONAL LEAGUE OR 'IT'S SO CHUMPY YER COOD CARVE IT" AWARD OF THE WEEK
Goes to the General manager of the Lost Dogs home. . Err sorry…the Carlton SC, Lou Sticca
for this week describing Melbourne Soccer as a 'Dog Eat Dog' world.
Sticca predicted that three major clubs in Melbourne cannot be sustained in the long run and that at least one will have to be put down in the next couple of years.
Will it be the Melbourne Knights Mangy Dogs?
Or
Will it be the South Melbourne Snoop Doggy Dogs?
Or
Will it be the Licker Sticca 'Dine' Premium Mince Lap dogs?
What do the top Breeders recommend?
October 1999
"EVERYBODY WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING" AWARD OF THE WEEK:
Goes to the traveling Carlton Soccer club for enduring a life and death pre-season tour of China.
Last week the Blueboys looked like a collective Uncle Fester with a light bulb in his mouth, after being forced to play against South China team, Yun Nan during an electrical storm and on a waterlogged pitch.
This week it was like a scene out of Karate Kid V, VI & VII when they confronted the jumpy Chinese first division team, SiChuan Quanxing, in a nasty affair, where the opposition showed a greater aptitude for martial arts than for playing soccer.
Privately seething, Blues officials are hopeful that the Chinese authorities will take appropriate action after citing a number of SiChuan Quanxing's budding Jackie Chans on a 'Trial by Fuji Film Cam Corder' charge.
Good news for the Carlton faithful is that new recruit, big man striker John Markovski, has managed to escape any repercussions for his part in the melee on a technicality... it seems that Sumo Wrestling
does not fall under the gambit of unduly rough play in China.
August 1999
"LET'S DO YUM CHA" AWARD OF THE WEEK
Goes to the both the high browed Carlton SC and the cash strapped, Sydney United SC who this week, accidentally ran into each other on their independent pre-season tours of China.
The Carlton boys, currently lapping up their Mud Crab and Chicken feet delicacy, 'Golden Empreror' tour of the orient, found themselves holding the same pre match training session, at the same ground in the same city, Shanghai, with none other than Sydney United, who are currently on their 'Sweat Shop and Steamed Dim Sim' tour of the land Dragonfly Restaurant.
It has been reported that the always-hospitable general manager of the Blues, Lou Sticca, was so chuffed at seeing his fellow Aussie soul brothers that he interrupted his luncheon appointment with a local monastery monks, and asked the United boys to join him for some Yum Cha.
The rumour that Lou slipped a little too much MSG into the Lemon Chicken of his round 12 opponents is yet to be confirmed though.
August 1999
"I PICKED THE LOCK" AWARD OF THE WEEK
Goes to former Carlton striker and recent Carlton recruit, John 'The Cat Burglar' Markovski,
for successfully picking the Lou Sticca padlock previously used to keep the big guy out of Optus Oval last season.
'I knew my mum's hairpin would come in handy one day" reportedly said a buoyant Markovski, on his return to the 'Bluebloods'.
Club general manager, Lou Sticca, no doubt hopes that the new for old signing will be able to use his new found talent to unlock a few defenses this season and lead the Olympic Park co-tenants to glory.
The rumour that Sticca has tripled the security watch on the club's fridge to keep the always - peckish, Markovski from eating his way back to his days as a galloping gastronomical gasometer, is just pure speculation though.
August 1999
"WHERE ARE THOSE BOLT CUTTERS? BABY I'M BACK"
AWARD OF THE WEEK
Goes to former Sunshine George Cross, Melbourne Knights, Gippy Falcons, Canberra Cosmos, Marconi Stallions, Carlton, Preston, Perth Glory, big, big, big man striker, John Markovski,
who rumour has it is about to come home to Melbourne and join his 9th Ericsson cup club.
The reason why Markovski is so keen to walk out on his two year agreement with the Glory gropers is unclear but it believed a fed up Jonesy was heard saying, 'Let me out of here, this guy Stange won't let me eat anything!"
Rumours that the big man is on his way back to Carlton have been refuted by the club's general manager, Lou Sticca, who was quoted on Markovski's acrimonious departure from the Bluebloods last season, as saying, 'Not only is the door closed to Markovski but it's firmly padlocked shut"
Watch out Lou! Reports are that Jonesy was last seen roaming around old Melbourne town with one hell of a pair of bolt cutters.
August 1999
"RECRUITING COUP" AWARD OF THE WEEK
Goes to the Carlton Soccer club for this week announcing that they have signed former Scottish international, David McPherson from Scottish Premier league club, Hearts for the coming season.
The bean pole, haggis eating, 35 year old central defender, who incidentally bares an uncanny resemblance to Carlton's baby giraffe chairman, Justin Madden, when asked how he felt about signing for the
'Downunder Blue-boys', reportedly replied,
"You canna hand a man a granda spanna!"
Opportunistic Carlton general manager, Lou Sticca is busily thrashing out a Sidchrome tools sponsorship proposal as we speak.
July 1999
"HAVE I EVER TOLD YOU THAT WE'RE GOING TO BE THE MANCHESTER UNITED OF ASIA?"
AWARD OF THE WEEK:
Goes to the shy, introverted and low key General Manager of the Carlton Soccer Club, Lou Sticca, who this week looked into his Nike sponsored Crystal ball and announced:
" We are going to be the best team in the National competition. Nothing else is acceptable.
Don't judge us by the last few months and don't be surprised if we lift the title next year".
Sticca reportedly (we think)…went on to say,
"I prefer to keep a lid on things but our next aim is to win the World Club championship, the Champions League, the Copa America and the newly touted interplanetary cup"!
August 1999
"WE WANTED TO GET IN BEFORE SYDNEY OLYMPIC"
SACK THE COACH AWARD OF THE WEEK:
Goes to the Lou Sticca led Carlton Soccer club who this week won the race to sack its coach, Eddie Krncevic, after 2 years of sterling service with the club.
Previous coach sacking champions, Sydney Olympic (18 coaches in 20 years) were stunned by the 'BlueBloods' speed off the mark, with an unnamed Olympic spokesperson declaring:
"Gee that Lou Sticca is good".
May 1999
"MADAME LASH - TONGUE LASHING" AWARD OF THE WEEK:
Goes to a furious general manager of the Carlton Soccer Club, Lou Sticca, who last weekend in his team's final game against fellow Victorian underachievers, Melbourne Knights, spat multiple plastic dummies at his players after the game for being beaten 2-1.
The "Viduka Grand Stand" foundations, reportedly rocked as Sticca unloaded on his team for
10 minutes after the game…
"If you guys don't pull the finger out next week - there'll be no more caviar and champagne offered at the pre-game team meetings" allegedly screamed the hysterical Sticca.
Sticca reportedly stormed out of the change-rooms, jumped into his car and fish-tailed out of the Somers Street car park after one player, apologetically interrupted and sheepishly said
"But Lou, we don't play next week".
May 1999
"YES WE'RE GETTING OUT THE LIFEBOATS; YES WE'RE CALLING THE CLUB PRIEST
AND YES WE'RE GETTING JOHN ELLIOT TO LECTURE THE BOYS ON THE PITFALLS OF SMOKING BUT THIS DOESN'T MEAN THAT WE'RE PANICKING" AWARD OF THE WEEK
Goes to Carlton SC General Manager, Lou Sticca, who after his weekly Yoga class, assured the soccer public, that the club was not panicking after their third loss on the trot, even though…
1. The club held a crisis meeting during the week
2. A blanket ban was placed on the players talking to the media.
3. Their star recruit, Andrew Marth is suspended indefinitely.
4. Their young saviour, Simon Colosimo is doubtful this week after being injured on Socceroo duty.
5. The Optus Oval cricket pitch issue is not yet resolved.
6. Rumours of the Fire Sale of the club in the coming weeks is growing more momentum than the rumour that Elvis is still alive and well working in a 'Seven Eleven' in Sunshine.
7. The Dalai Lama and the Pope won't return Lou's calls.
November 1998