"ONE DAY YOUR GONNA GET CAUGHT WITH YOUR PANTS DOWN" Goes to Leeds United player, Lee Bowyer, currently on trial facing charges of causing grievous bodily harm to an Asian student, for last week admitting in court that he was not wearing any underwear. 'Well a lot of civil rights campaigners are calling for a hanging and I guess they got one,' said a Diegos court reporter covering the story. Whether Bowyer is trying to avoid skid row or skid marks is still unclear but the Diegos will bring you the latest as it comes to hand. March 2001
Goes to Ron Noades, chairman of English second division club, Brentford FC, for last week stamping out rumours that a consortium led by former Wimbledon hard man and now Hollywood star, Vinnie Jones, is about to takeover the club. 'There is no truth to the rumour that Vinnie Jones is about to buy Brentford FC,' insisted Noades. March 2001
"FOOT AND MOUTH DISEASE? WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?" Goes to officials of English first division club, Burnley, who last week, were forced to close their training facility at Gawthorpe Hall due to the outbreak of Foot and Mouth disease. "I don't know what the big fuss is about," argued an unnamed member of the 'The Clarets' coaching staff, in unsubstantiated reports; "Foot and Mouth has been a problem at the this club for years - nothing intelligent ever comes out of our player's mouths and they all play like they have two left feet, so what's different?" March 2001
Goes to Crystal Palace chairman, Simon Jordan who last week was so disgusted by his club's performance in it's 1-0 away loss to Barnsley that he declared that he would give traveling fans their money back. "I was appalled by what I saw and do not believe our superb and valued fans should pay for what they saw," explained Jordan. Apparently fans can claim their refunds by contacting the Selhurst Park Box Office on 020 8771 8841. If you, like the Diegos, are thinking of pulling a shifty and scamming a free twenty quid from Mr. Jordan, well don't bother; you can't pull the wool over Simon's eyes. 'I wish those Aussies 'downunder' would stop ringing me claiming they were there. By the way, just too clarify things; Crystal Palace V Barnsley is not a pseudonym for a nude mud wrestle between Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles. You Aussies are sick but it was a good try anyway," said Jordan in unsubstantiated reports. March 2001
"OVER-ZEALOUS GOAL CELEBRATION OR COME ON BABY I WANT YOU TO WANT ME' AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to Sunderland players, Don Hutchison, Julio Acra and Gavin Mc Cann who this week were reported by referee, Graham Barber to the English FA for 'over-zealous' goal celebrations following their goal against Liverpool. In the after-match press conference, Sunderland manager, Peter Reid called the report petty and small-minded 'Football is all about passion and it was a fantastic occasion to score against Liverpool. I would have been with them if I could get over there.' In unconfirmed, unsubstantiated and wholly unreliable 'giggy giggy' reports he went on: 'There's nothing better than seeing grown men hugging and kissing, hips gyrating, pelvis pumping, hot and sweaty bodies heaving and pulsating as one, hot breath on hot breath, tearing at each others clothes, tearing, tearing, kissing, kissing, come on baby I want you to want me…Gee it's getting hot in here. Ah sorry guys I think I better go now." Now that's what the Diegos call over-zealous. February 2001
"MY GOD I'VE BEEN SACKED? OR I THINK IT'S TIME TO GET IN TUNE WITH REALITY" AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to Paul Jewell who this week was sacked as boss of Sheffield Wednesday in the English first division. 'I didn't see it coming' declared a shocked Jewell who had led the deeply in-debt club, with a crap squad, dwindling support and as much chance of winning a game as Frank Farina has of getting Harry Kewell to declare himself available for a World cup qualifier against Tonga, to last place in the English first division. Doctor Diego pull on the rubber gloves; it's time for a dose of reality for Mr. Jewell. February 2001
"PERSONALITY (LACK OF)" AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to outspoken Aston Villa manager, John Gregory, who this week insisted that he had nothing personal against his flamboyant French star, David Ginola, even though he recently intimated that the 'Gallic good-looker' was fat and lazy and dropped him from the team. "There's no personality problem between us" declared Gregory. In substantiated reports, he added: 'How can there be, I don't have a personality." February 2001
"JEFF TO THE RESCUE…AGAIN" AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to embattled Coventry City manager, Gordon Strachan who the pundits say would quit the club if his chairman, Bryan Richardson proceeded with his plan to bring in an outsider to help the club stave off relegation. "There's no bloody way that Jeff Kennett is going to set foot in this place" declared Strachan in unreliable reports. Ok Jeff I guess third time lucky…. February 2001
"FORGET ABOUT IT MATE - IT WAS ONLY A MISTAKE THAT COST US THE GAME- IT REALLY IS ALRIGHT " AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to the Bradford City team for their unconventional way of consoling their teammate, goalkeeper, Gary Walsh, after his 'fresh air' clearance last week against Manchester United cost his team the game. "It was a bad mistake. He knows it was costly, and he knows it changed the game. He'll feel that a big hole should open up and swallow him and he'll be very low for a time" said coach Jim Jefferies who incidentally did mention very briefly that he thought that Walsh had had a good game. Bradford defender, Robert Molenaar went on to say: "It was always going to take a wonder goal or a mistake - unfortunately Gary made the mistake. He was at fault but we are going to make sure he picks himself up" Is that before or after therapy? January 2001
'HAND BALL OR HANDS ON THE REFEREE' Goes to Newcastle manager - Bobby Robson who this week became furious at the sending off of his midfielder, Nolberto Solano for handball in his team's fiery 4-2 defeat to Tottenham. 'I would like to smash the ball at 200 mph at the referee and see if he can get out of the way' spewed an irate Robson in the after match press conference. In wholly unconfirmed, unsubstantiated and unreliable reports, Robson went on to say 'I'd also like to give him a Chinese burn, squirrel grip, wedgy, fuzz nut and pluck the hairs on his body one by one but that's another matter.' January 2001
"PUCKER UP BABY; LET'S GET IT ON" Goes to Leeds United manager - David O'Leary who admitted this week, that off the bench, he blew kisses to Arsenal's Robert Pires during the highly charged Premeirship encounter between both clubs last weekend. Pires apparently, not one to kiss on the first date, was incensed by O'Leary's actions and a fracas ensued in the player's tunnel after the game. 'I don't deny that I blew kisses at Pires but he is a good-looking boy with tight buns and great pecs' said 'Luscious' O'Leary in wholly unreliable reports after the game. By the way Mark, Harry, Jacob and Danny assure us that they are fine. Apparently they are not O'Leary's type. December 2000
"HOW TO SACK YOURSELF AND TAKE IT PERSONALLY" Goes to Brentford chairman, Ron Noades who this week sacked himself as the club's manager following the team's 3-1 home loss in the FA cup to non-league club, Kingstonian. "I'd do something about those backstabbers that got rid of me if it wasn't me that got rid of me. I wasn't given enough time; no money to buy players; my record wasn't that bad; I didn't see it coming; It's just not fair. The mongrel chairman has got it wrong. I'd tell him to go to hell if I wasn't the chairman" said Noades in unreliable reports. November 2000
'WISE ONE' AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to newly signed Bradford City spearhead; problem-child to psychologists / Mr. Cooloocuckoo to the Four Diegos, Stan Collymore, who last week missed the Bantams match against Charlton because of problems with his wisdom teeth. When asked how he felt, Collymore responded in unconfirmed and unreliable reports… "Mate I'm spewing that I'm missing the game but slightly chuffed that for the first time the words Collymore and wisdom have been found in the same sentence" November 2000
"HOLD ME BACK, HOLD ME BACK" AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to Colin Lee, the embattled manager of Wolverhampton Wanderers who last week denied that he had thrown a punch at one of his own fans after Wolves embarrassing defeat at Crewe. "Some fans were upset about the performance. All I did was go back to ask him a question and my lads stopped me," explained Lee to a senior police officer investigating the complaint. When questioned about the supporter's alleged concussion Lee replied in unconfirmed and unreliable reports… "Oh that. I thought the guy had a Bogong moth on his face so I thought I'd swat it away with vigor - I guess I was missed" November 2000
"THE BIGGEST DECISION OF MY LIFE" Goes to Wimbledon's, Jamaican international midfielder - Robbie Earle who this week decided to end his playing career after failing to recover from a serious stomach injury. "I have had one of the most difficult decisions of my life to make over the past few weeks" said Earle reportedly boarding an Air West Indies flight to Jamaica wearing a Hawaiian shirt and sipping on a rum and coke. Was it going to be making love to Bob Marley music on balmy Jamaican night or making love to the Buck's fizz in a damp London apartment with noisy neighbours? Hmm…what a tough decision? November 2000
"IS SVEN IS GOOD" AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to Manchester United and England star, David Beckham who this week declared that the appointment of Sven Goran Eriksson as England national coach was …we think …'Good' "It should be good, it will be good. We have got many good players and they will become a good team. I think it will be a good thing," said Beckham in desperate need of a Thesaurus. So Becks just to get things clear will it be good? Obviously - is Sven is Good Bloody! November 2000
"YOU IDIOT!" AWARD FOR THE WEEK Goes to Laurent Charvet who proudly revealed this week that he turned down offers from two high profile English premiership clubs and an Italian Serie A club to join Manchester City in a deal worth 1.5 million pounds. "I'm joining a club with good history and ambition for the future. I'm sure I will be happy there." The Diegos have only one thing to say…You Idiot! October 2000
"WHO EVER SAID 'STICKS AND STONES WILL BREAK MY BONES BUT WORDS WILL NEVER HURT ME'?" AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to Manchester United and England star, David Beckham who this week revealed that he almost mentally 'Cracked Up' under the constant barrage of abuse hurled at him weekly by opposing fans. "The things they say are the worst I have ever experienced. They hurl sexual insults against my wife and have even chanted that they hope my one-year- old son Brooklyn would get cancer," admitted a rightly upset Beckham. In unconfirmed & unreliable reports Beckham went on to say…. "I've learned to live with this stuff though. It's only when they say that Posh can't sing or dance that I feel that I'm about to lose it completely; I want to fight them all." October 2000
"GREAT EXCUSES OF THE NEW MILLENNIUM NO. 45" Goes to Liverpool's Dutch international goalkeeper, Sander Westerveld who this week blamed his participation for Holland in this year's Euro 2000 as the reason why he keeps on stuffing up in games for his English club. "It was the first time I had been in a big tournament and it caused me a couple of problems, both physically and mentally." The physical problem? Apparently the gap between his legs has inexplicably got bigger. The mental problem? He apparently keeps on forgetting that a goalkeeper is allow to use his hands October 2000
"QUICK WHERE'S THE STRAIGHT JACKET - I THINK STAN'S OUT OF HIS MIND AGAIN" AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to former Southend, Nottingham Forest, Liverpool, Aston Villa, Fulham and currently Leicester City (but not for long) striker, Stan Collymore for this week submitting a transfer request to his club (which usually means a player wants to leave) and then telling the world that Leicester is where he wants to stay. "I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week but let me state right here right now that I don't want to leave the club" screamed a twitchy Collymore whilst being dragged away by four men in white coats. All this from a man who has suffered a history of depression…forget about depression this man is bona fide, certifiable 'cooloocuckoo'. September 2000
"ITALIAN FREELOVE - NEW MILLENNIUM STYLE" Goes to West Ham United's Italian star, Paolo di Canio who this week revealed that he would never leave the club because 'he loves to have sex at Upton Park'. Now before any Di Canio admirers out there race off to the Western Oval or Chaplin Reserve for a bit of nooky with their partner, Paolo went on to explain: 'Not the real thing of course, but in football sense I enjoy myself so much here' I'm glad that Paolo cleared that up, but it does bring new meaning to the terms - penalty box sniffer, scoring through the backdoor and tackle from behind - all the same, don't you think? September 2000
I'M NOT BITTER AND TWISTED BUT ON THE OTHER HAND…" AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to Aston Villa's French pretty boy - David Ginola who this week released his tell-all, no holds barred, resentment-filled autobiography to the public. "Sometimes it was like George Graham was put on this earth to give me a hard time" spewed the Frenchman about his former Tottenham coach…
Graham wasn't the only one to have his face rubbed into Ginola's regurgitated bile. Former French national team boss, Liverpool's Gerard Houllier, who had blamed Ginola personally for France's non-qualification to the 1994 World cup, also coped a dose…
But's that not all - Former Newcastle manager, Kenny Dalglish was another to cop a spray of Ginola's diced frogs legs and carrots…. "When I found out Kenny Dalglish was to replace Kevin Keegan as manager of Newcastle, it was the worst possible thing for me. The way he treated me made me feel as if I'd had an affair with his wife Marina - I actually told the press that and he got really upset." This man not bitter and twisted...you be the judge! A Golden Gringo to you David Ginola! August 2000
"WHY ARE PEOPLE SO UNKIND?' AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to England and Aston Villa defender, Gareth Southgate, who this week accused his club of making him out to be a 'real villain'. "Some comments made by the club about me have been outrageous and unnecessary; it's not surprising the fans are upset" said Southgate, who is currently seeking a move to another club. "All I have done is to say I want to advance my career at another club. I don't see why anyone would question my commitment to Aston Villa in the meantime." Why are people so unkind? Because you're a Gringo Gareth! August 2000
"HE MAY WELL BE COOLO-CUCKOO BUT HE CAN SCORE GOALS" AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to Bradford City manager, Chris Hutchings, for signing Italian problem-child, Benito Carbone to a 4-year deal during the week. "We got a fantastic striker. Everyone saw the goals he scored last season. He's got fantastic skills and he's here to excite you," declared Hutchings. Mr. Hutchings you may have forgotten but he is also here to spit the dummy, throw dressing room tantrums and go missing at anytime. He is what the Diegos call a confirmed, unadulterated Coolo-cuckoo. Mr. Hutchings the Diegos don't want to be too critical but your crazy for signing him. A heartfelt Gringo to you. August 2000
"THE BEST HEAVY METAL HEAD BANGING" AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to heavy metal band, Iron Maiden, for putting the biff into a musical riff, putting the mash into a mosh pit, and putting the bash into head banging, when they played a charity friendly game against Estonia's FC Flora, whilst on tour through the country recently. Not only did the heavy metal rock legends show they could belt out a great tune but also display an innate ability to belt out the opposition when goalkeeper, Derby County's Mart Poom suffered concussion and had to be taken to hospital. Spokesman for the band, long time drummer, 'Hearing Aid' McMahon expressed regret over the incident "I didn't mean it man, I don't know whether it was the pills or the whiskey but I didn't mean it man, you gotta believe me man!" The band wishes Poom a speedy recovery and as a tribute are dedicating their next album July 2000 |
