"IT'S MY DIRTY LINEN AND I'LL AIR IT WHEREVER I WANT TOO"
AWARD OF THE WEEK

Goes to the man known as the 'Kaiser', president of Bayern Munich and living
legend of German Soccer, Franz 'You can't handle the truth' Beckenbauer.

Franz, whose club, commonly known as FC Hollywood due the high number of player tantrums and public controversies over the last few years, this week gave his team, his
coach and anyone else in range, what might be described as a reminder of
where people stand just before they think about ducking for cover in the
'laundry of life'.

Commenting on his team's 3-0 Championship league loss to Olympique Lyon,
Franz, with a microphone in one hand and FC Hollywood clothes pegs and detergent in the other said:

"What happened today was a disgrace. At the end of the day you should be
happy to say 'thank-you very much that we only lost 3-0'. But in future you
won't be able to do that. Everyone has the chance to convince me until the
end of the season. I am going to look very closely at who I can rely on and
who I can't"

While Beckenbauer's readiness to scrub, soak and dry the Bayern linen in
public has reportedly led to some internal fractures in the club, Bayern
Munich playmaker, Steffen Effenberg, on his way to the Laundromat himself,
showed that he could tumble dry with the best of them:

'When I get pushed into a corner, then I get personally unpleasant. If this
goes on any longer then I will react," said Effenberg in response.

Stefan, a Diegos tip: Firstly, never take on the Kaiser and secondly, mum always said throw

a little Dynamo in with the wash for the best results.

March 2001

'WHY DID THEY PULL THAT DAM WALL DOWN?"
AWARD OF THE WEEK

Goes to Rolf Schafstall, the cocky, newly appointed coach of German Bundesliga cellar dweller, VFL Bochum.

"I love a challenge like this. Nothing is too hard for me" declared the West German on taking on the Bochum challenge.

The Diegos reckon that whilst Rolfie-boy may not be lacking in self-confidence, he is most probably, deluding himself about how much he actually does like a challenge especially if its coaching a football team in the former communist East Germany.

It seems, in his last job as coach of third division East German outfit, Dynamo Dresden, Schafstall was relieved of his duties after only 57 days because of the less than flattering comments he made about his brothers from the East.

"I come into the dressing room - no one stands up, no one listens. No decency. Just a bunch of Easterners"

Why in the hell did they pull down that dam Berlin wall, Rolf might ask?

Doctor Diego you'd better get the rubber gloves out…

February 2001

"I SWEAR JIMI HENDRIX WAS THERE TOO"
AWARD OF THE WEEK

Goes to disgraced German coach, Christoph Daum who this week announced that he's been approached to coach Spanish second division giants - Athletico Madrid - the only problem being that the club knows nothing about it.

'It is a concrete offer and they want me to join straight away' said Daum who was discarded as Germany's national coach last month for failing a drug test.

Athletico's general manager, Miguel Angel Gil Marin retorted by rubbishing the claims: "I don't know where this came from, but it is totally false. Nobody has rung Daum."

In unconfirmed and unsubstantiated reports, Daum hit back at suggestions that the drugs could be clouding his judgment and that maybe he was just imagining the offer: 'Hey man there was an offer.

There was a woman in a long lack dress; there was this purple haze, a psychedelic rainbow and Jimi Hendrix playing at Sunbury 73 man - Yeh I'm positive. There was definitely an offer"

December 2000

"STUPID" AWARD OF THE WEEK

Goes to German coach, Christoph Daum who was fired from his job at Bayer Leverkusen this week after a drug analysis on his hair came back positive.

Christoph, you might remember, was the bloke who, a couple of weeks ago, publicly volunteered to undergo a drug test to once for all lay to rest scurrilous accusations that he is a cocaine addict and that he participated in wild sex parties with prostitutes.

Unfortunately for Christoph the test came back positive.

A little tip for Christoph…

Next time you are on drugs don't volunteer for public drug test to prove that you're not on drugs.

Just a suggestion mate!

October 2000

"YEH, YEH, YOU'RE CLEAN" AWARD OF THE WEEK

Goes to German soccer coach - Christoph Daum who this week declared that he would undergo a drug test to prove his innocence of accusations that he took illegal substances.

"I gave a sample of my hair to a doctor today" announced Daum who is due to take up the post of German national coach in the coming months.

How the hell can a strand of hair tell us that someone has used illegal substances? Well let the Diegos explain because we know.

Testing a strand of back hair can show up the use of Brillcream - a banned substance on the FIFA list but used by the Diegos to control back hair on a windy day.

Testing a strand of chest hair can show up the use of Olive Oil; a banned substance on the FIFA lists but used by the Diegos as sunscreen on a sunny day.

Testing a strand of leg hair can show up the use of Pino Sylvester body lotion; also a banned substance on the FIFA list but used by the Diegos to attract the girls.

October 2000