"I'VE BEEN TO PARADISE BUT I'VE NEVER BEEN TO SERIE B' OR 'WHERE THE HELL IS RONALDO WHEN YOU NEED HIM?' AWARD OF THE WEEK

Goes to the relegation haunted Inter Milan who last week, copped the 'I think we're in the doghouse' silent treatment from their own fans during their 2-1 victory against Udinese.

Apparently reports have it that Inter's supporters who, in the aftermath of last Thursday's exit from the UEFA Cup at the hands of Spanish club Alaves, had thrown seats, burned banners and tried to storm the directors' box but at least made some noise, this time decided to resort to standard airport jeering, some nasty banner work and the cold silence that comes with empty stands and a 'pissed' demeanor.

Ironically, coach Marco Tardelli, commenting on the fans 'chanting on the
inside strategy' said of his players: "It didn't disturb them, they played
with great calm, more calm than on other occasions."

In fact, so impressed was Tardelli with his team's performance in their new found state of Zen, that it's since been rumoured that he's considering doing some training in the Milan public library as well as introducing silent reading as part of his half time pep talk.

"The public library thing is a great idea. My hunch is there won't be many Inter supporters there," quipped Tardelli in unconfirmed reports.

March 2001

'COOLOOCUCKOO' AWARD OF THE WEEK

Goes to Juventus and Uruguayan international defender, Paolo Montero for his comments after being caught on television punching Inter Milan's Luigi Di Biagio in last Sunday's Italian League clash.

"Di Biagio says I punched him? Well, let's go and play volleyball together" said Montero prompting incredulous head shakes from a bemused media throng at the after match press conference.

Di Biagio's response perhaps sums up what where all thinking…

"His words confirm what they told me in the changing-rooms - that his not the cleverest of people."

December 2000

"I WISH YOU WOULDN'T BEAT AROUND THE BUSH"
AWARD OF THE WEEK

Goes to Giovanni Trapattoni, coach of the Italian National team, for what the Diegos reckon is the most wishy washy, insipid, sit on the fence response to a journalist's question offered this week in Italian Footy.

The question: "Will you ever pick Paulo Di Canio in your Italy team?"

Trapattoni's answer: "There would have to be a bubonic plague in Italy for me to pick Di Canio", some say is a little ambiguous and convoluted but good news for the tempestuous Di Canio at any rate.

Italy gets the plague and he is in the team…and he thought he had no chance!

November 2000

"AH I LOVE THE SMELL OF A CRUSTY JOCK STRAP IN THE MORNING"

AWARD OF THE WEEK

Goes to Parma coach, Alberto Malesani, who this week after a near fatal car accident, swore that from now on, he is going to savour every moment of his life.

"I stared death in the face" admitted Malesani, " The desire now is to make the most of my life. The smell of the changing room, the feel of grass under your feet, the chants of the crowd, a match that grabs you by the heart. It's emotional and most of all alive."

Ah Yes…the feel of a dagger plunged into your back when you've lost a few games; the Italian tabloid reporters splashing every sordid detail of your private life all over the front pages of Gazzetta dello Sport; the smell of a crusty jock strap in the morning ….Ah that's life. What a beautiful thing!

November 2000

"AN 87TH MINUTE POPE PILE-DRIVER WINS IT FOR VATICAN UNITED"

AWARD OF THE WEEK

Goes to the players and staff from Italian Serie A club, Lazio for this week presenting Pope John Paul II with a signed club shirt during the Jubilee Year Celebrations at St. Peter's Basilica in the Vatican City.

The shirt, a perfect fit over the top of his regal papal vestments, bore the number 80 and the name Wojtyla, the pontiff's family name, on the back.

Rumours that the Pope has since been spotted celebrating a successful act of contrition by running up to the Sistine Chapel altar, sliding on his stomach and waiting for his Bishops to jump on top of him, have been strenuously denied by Vatican sources however

October 2000

"MY WORD IS AS BINDING AS MY TIRAMISU"
AWARD OF THE WEEK

Goes to Inter Milan President, Massimo Moratti, who this week assured club coach, Marcello Lippi that his job was save 24 hours before he sacked him.

In unreliable and unconfirmed reports, Moratti explained the away the confusion…

"It was a misunderstanding. When I said that he was safe I really meant that he was sacked. Sometimes it difficult to understand my Northern Italian accent."

October 2000