"COME ON EDDIE THAT WAS A PENALTY" AWARD OF THE WEEK

Goes to the former short, rotund kid who was always last picked in lunchtime soccer games at primary school, Prime Minister of Australia, the Honorable Johnny Howard for this week, riling Aussie monarchists and sending Bruce Ruxton scurrying for his gun after he touched the Queen during a formal engagement.

"She dived, I never touched her", cried Johnny when asked to explain his apparent rush of blood.

The Queen, an avid Paolo Di Canio fan, for her part, took full advantage of Johnny's involuntary contact and flung herself, Paolo-like, into the crowd screaming for a penalty. To the chagrin of the posse of English tabloid royal watchers, Republican high priest and self -appointed 'umpy' for the royal visit, Eddie McGuire waved play on, in one of the most controversial decisions ever seen in the history of royal visits.

"The Queen hasn't been pole-axed like that since Paul Keating went studs up on her back in 92" complained one tabloid paparazzi photographer.

Little Johnny has since been cited on a trial by video charge with the real fears of a lengthy suspension on the cards since the announcement that the judiciary will be made up of randomly selected retrenched and uncompensated Braybrook textile workers.

Apparently a 2 week suspension and the Northern Territory mandatory sentences may apply and aren't our

Braybrook brothers and sisters happy about that!

April 2000