"WISH ME LUCK AS YOU WAVE ME GOODBYE…LA DI DAH…LA DI DAH…LAH DI DAH…" AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to the Eastern Pride Soccer club who this week was informed by Soccer Australia that it had failed to meet its 'going concern' test thereby jeopardizing its entry into next season's revamped league. In wholly fabricated reports, an unnamed Pride spokesperson was left in no doubt were the fault lay for the club's precarious position and virtually non-existent support: "Those dam local Italian weddings on game days have ruined this club. We've tried everything - first and second half separated by the anti-pasta entrée and the main course ravioli; the bridal waltz, speeches and telegrams as half time entertainment; the team running out to the tarantella and the hokie pokie; the inebriated mother in law flirting with the dads in the crowd while Tony Pantano's wedding band entertain the mums; champagne-cork soccer for the kids; a bonbonaire with every hot dog sold…all to no avail. Well I hope that all those happy Italo-Gippy couples have a long and prosperous life together for it looks as though we sure as hell won't." April 2001
THE GAME WILL BE THE LOSER" AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to multi million dollar office furniture magnate and prospective Eastern Pride owner, Tony Schiavello who recently broached Channel 7 with a proposal to televise, yes that's right, televise, every one, yes that's right, every one, of Eastern Pride's Colonial stadium home games on the station next season. "Channel Seven did not show any interest at all in helping," said a disappointed and some-how surprised Schiavello. "I guess it's hard to conduct meaningful negotiations when Seven's executives are rolling around on the floor laughing,' he went on in wholly unsubstantiated reports. "They said they already have a show called 'The Weakest Link'. Why would they want another one?" No Eastern Pride 'Live' on prime time free to air Aussie TV? The game will surely be the loser. February 2001
"BRING IN THE CHOOKS" AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to director of the jewel in the crown of rural NSL football - Eastern Pride - Peter Quirk, who was so upset at his team's insipid performance against Northern Spirit last week that he threaten to sack the team - all 17 of them!
Rumours that Quirk further went on to say that he would replace the players with 17 farmyard chooks (free range of course) have not been confirmed however even though the Diegos universally agree that the chooks would probably display more tactical nous than the Pride players going around at present. November 2000
AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to Gippsland Falcon's coach, Jeff Hopkins for this week employing the services of a sports psychologist to pump up his charges for this weekend's encounter with Parramatta Power. Ever since his time with Reading in the English First Division a few years ago when the club came from nowhere to reach the division play-offs after hiring spoon bender, Uri Geller, Hopkins has been a staunch advocate of the use sports shrinks in preparing his team. His wife is not however, convinced about the worth of Hopkins taking the family heirloom - wedding cutlery to training every night for mental rehearsal. March 2000
Goes to newly appointed coach of the Gippy Falcons, Jeff Hopkins, who during the week after his appointment to the most prestigious coaching job on wheat / sheep farmland in this sun burnt country, suddenly came to the realization just how mammoth his task will be. As he peered over the fertile crop-rotated paddock that is the Mobil Stadium in Gippy, he reportedly lamented, whilst feeding the club chooks… "When l went for the job they specifically said that I'd have a team to train. I get here and l find out that they have all gone to Carlton. Have you any idea how hard it is to discuss tactics with a couple of cows and a mangy dog." August 1999
"WE'VE BEEN GIVEN A LIFELINE" AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to Soccer Australia for giving every one's second favorite team (including the people who live in Morwell), the Gippy Falcons, another chance to stay in the league next season. Despite the club having no coach, no supporters, no money, a threadbare squad, being in the middle of nowhere and reportedly no groundskeeper (but the cows and sheep are doing a great job in his absence); Soccer Australia believe the club has an enormous untapped potential in the region. Just imagine 15,000 banjo playing, tobacco chewing, two headed, line dancing, cow poke cousins attending Gippy Falcons home games every week; I'd like to see that! July 1999
AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to the Gippy Falcons for unofficially attracting its lowest crowd on record (1100) to witness its magnificent
"Valentines Day killed us, " declared a frustrated Falcon's President, Fred Di Sipio (Unconfirmed). "We just can't keep on competing with people wanting to get married in Morwell on the same day as our home games". "We've spoken to the local Italian Priest and he says that he will support us next season by talking prospective wedding couples into exchanging their vows during half time at the Falcons home games." "The downside - we'll have to put up with a never-ending number of elderly Italian Spumante-intoxicated men doing the Chicken dance all night. But think what it will do for the crowd." March 1999 |
