"HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE A POLICY" AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to the Colonel Klink of Aussie soccer, deputy chairman of the NSL, Ian 'I know nothing' Knop who in a performance rivaling only that of Jim Carey in 'Dumb and Dumber', expertly employed the 'ignorance is bliss' defense when fielding questions on next year's NSL revamp from those hard nosed seekers of the truth, the SBS 'On the Ball' team last Sunday. Knop, who rumour has it regularly nods off in Soccer Australia meetings, succeeded to dumbfound, bemuse and leave Kyle, his team and the Diegos thinking as though they'd just watched a late night SBS Lithuanian drama without subtitles, by answering "I'll be honest with you I don't know," to the panel's questions on no fewer than six occasions in the first six minutes of the interview. On his stunning involuntary display of political vagueness, Knop was unapologetic: "What's the big deal? I'm not the first Soccer Australia spokesperson that has nothing to say. By the way if you Diegos find out how many teams will make up the league next year can you run it past me? It would be handy to know," he said in wholly unsubstantiated reports. April 2001
'SHHHHHHHH! BE WARY WARY QUIET - IT'S A FOUR DIEGOS RUMOUR FILE' AWARD OF THE WEEK Four Diegos' spies tell us that AFL football legend, Ron Barassi has been spotted in the South Melbourne crowd on a number of occasions at the Bob Jane Stadium this season. Before you think that poor old 'Barass' must be stuck in a time warp and has mistakenly, turned up thinking that he is going to see a repeat of the 1945 VFL bloodbath between the South Melbourne Swans and the Carlton Blues at the old Lakeside oval, well think again. What would Ron be doing at a National League Soccer game? Well how's this for some unconfirmed, unsubstantiated and unreliable Diegos' speculation. Maybe Ron is Jeff Kennent's secret nomination as the next chairman of Soccer Australia. Think about it. Someone with a bit of mongrel, someone who knows nothing about the game, someone currently out of work, and someone who, if he was raised right, could've played full forward for AC Milan and Italy. You're a shifty one Jeff! February 2001
"I THINK I'LL STICK TO THE GIGGY GIGGY MOVIES INSTEAD" Goes to Channel Seven for clearly pumping all their Olympic profits into their very own NSL highlights show on Tuesday nights or should we say Wednesday mornings. Scheduled at the special family time of 12.10 a.m., Channel Seven hopes to make inroads into the lucrative 'SBS Giggy Giggy movie, nightshift factory worker' market with this new and exciting product. Inspired programming say the Diegos! Apparently this weeks AC Nielson ratings tell us that literally millions of viewers switched from SBS' critically acclaimed Bulgarian drama come porno - 'Me & Olga' (After the naked Beef Stroganoff scene) to Channel 7 to get a glimpse of soccer's new gem. What's that? Channel Seven paranoid? No, No way! October 2000
AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to Soccer Australia for their Soccer 21 plan to cull the current plump, unwieldy, over-indulgent 16 team NSL competition to a more slim, figure hugging, taught and terrific 12 team competition next season. " We're going to lose 4 teams in 12 months and I feel terrific" said a Soccer Australia deep throat that refused to be named. October 1999
'IF YOU'RE GOING TO INFLATE ANYTHING YOU MIGHT AS WELL MAKE IT AN INFLATABLE BLOW UP DOLL' AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to the General Manager of the National Soccer league - Stefan Kamasz, for this week warning clubs that artificially inflating their crowd figures will not guarantee them a place in the league next season. 'We are interested in dollars in the bank, not numbers on a piece of paper" said the tough talking Kamasz. Meanwhile a reported rush on fully imported 'Hi I'm Roxanne' Blow up dolls, by National Soccer League club officials is yet to be confirmed however. October 1999
"KEEP THE GAME AUSTRALIAN" AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to us, the Four Diegos for demanding that Australian soccer be kept Australian. This week, with the announcement that the team formerly known as the Adelaide City Zebras has changed their name to the Adelaide Force, there is a growing fear that the game is becoming to Americanized. The Diegos suggest that, in keeping with the trend to change names, why don't clubs go for names that say something about the culture of this great sun burnt land. Names like …
Are some possible suggestions worth thinking about it????? August 1999
" HOW TO SUCCESSFULLY BORE SOMEONE TO DEATH" Goes to Soccer Australia, who this week, succeeded in thoroughly boring to death the Aussie soccer public by not announcing who is to be the next Socceroo coach. "We know who it is but we won't tell you bucko!" said a smug Soccer Australia official who refused to be named. In what will go down as one of the most protracted sagas in world history, along with the 'Who shot JFK?' puzzle, the 'Did Bill Clinton have sexual relations with that woman?' debate and 'Is Johnny Warren's hair real?' conundrum, the question on who next will lead the Socceroo has definitely bored everyone to tears. The Diegos response to the whole hackneyed debate… "We don't care anymore. Hurry up and name someone, anyone will do. We've run out of jokes!" August 1999
Goes to Soccer Australia for reportedly not axing the cash strapped, malnourished, poverty-line teetering, Gippy Falcons, Canberra Cosmos, Adelaide Sharks and Sydney United because of fears of a protracted, costly legal battle. It seems that for Australian Soccer to progress at a satisfactory rate, some dodgy, slimy, shonky, dubious, cheap, legal eagles need to put their hand up. If you fulfill these criteria, please send your University of Braybrook, Law Degree and list of referees, preferably not any persons currently in jail, to Basil Scarcella, Soccer Australia NSW, ASAP. June 1999
AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to Soccer Australia again, for adopting a 'right to life' policy by allowing financially troubled clubs to die a natural death rather than pulling the plug on their Ericsson Cup, life-support system. A spokesperson for the rouge, right wing, pro-David Hill, Stalinist arm of Soccer Australia, who did not want to be named, said… "It seems that the weak-kneed Soccer Australia humanitarians would rather allow clubs facing a liquidity crisis to wallow in their own cash strapped, creditor infested, bank overdraft black hole, rather than cast them away kicking and screaming, ranting and raving". "I don't agree with this" he went on " for me, I say, put them out of their misery; bring back David 'Iron bar" Hill". June 1999
THE FOUR DIEGOS (UNOFFICIAL) ERICSSON CUP SOCCER AUSTRALIA AWARDS SEASON 1998 - 1999 NOMINATION FOR THE " BEST PERFORMANCE IN A POST-MATCH PRESS CONFERENCE" AWARD OF THE SEASON Adelaide City coach, Zoran Matic for roundly publicly bagging his players after his team earned a disappointing draw against South Melbourne in Round 25. On Adelaide City's goal ace, Damien Mori, Matic said…. "He doesn't do enough, he just makes a sprint every 5 minutes." On his team, Matic said… "We have never improved a result in my time here. When the other team loses a player, we immediately get more bludgers." And for this gem after his team's woeful effort against the Knights in Round 20… "We completely died. We stuffed it up completely. This team is not fit mentally. In the second half there was so much space between our back line and the attack, you could have sold it as a vacant block. But I will fix it." And again…in the aftermath of his team's derby loss against the Sharks in Round 27, the 'Old Fox' unleashed a tirade of abuse on his players that from all reports, hasn't stopped……… A disgusted Matic vomited…
Then again on the following Wednesday, Matic's regurgitation continued… "I couldn't believe they didn't want to fight. I will have to hit some heads against the wall. Adelaide City won't tolerate people who won't fight - Anyone who steps out of line won't be here next season." Thursday…Matic reportedly kicked the dog Friday…. reportedly abused the paperboy Saturday… Banging on the doors of Stereo 974FM to have a go at the Diegos. NOMINATION FOR THE " MOST INNOVATIVE COACHING STRATEGY" OF THE SEASON Goes to Carlton Coach Eddie Krncevic who, when asked how he was going to combat John Markovski's goal-scoring threat against his team in Round 13, replied, "Take him out night clubbing the night before the game." NOMINATION FOR THE "I'M SURE WE CAN WIN…I THINK!" "It will be good to meet my old mate David Mitchell. Sydney United are a great side playing a bit below their capability, they are certainly beatable - even by us!" - The bigheaded, super confident caretaker coach of the Canberra Cosmos, Tony Brennan, prior to his team's Round 12 game versus Sydney United. Surprise, surprise, the Cosmos lost 2-0. NOMINATION FOR THE 'IT WAS EL NINO'S FAULT' Goes to Sydney Olympic coach, Branco Culina who said after his loss against Marconi in Round 9… " We weren't beaten by a better side. We were beaten by other elements." NOMINATION FOR THE " I'VE GOT A LOVE / HATE RELATIONSHIP WITH MY PLAYERS" AWARD OF THE SEASON "My team played sensational football tonight. Unbelievable football. I'm proud of my team and I'm proud of everything they do." Canberra Cosmos "easily pleased" coach, Rale Rasic, after his team lost to fellow perennial cellar dweller, Newcastle Breakers in Round 2. The Cosmos losing sequence spanned 18 games in a row. " What really surprises me is that the club has never realized what is happening. There were too many players who were not performing. They are destroying the club with their unprofessional and irresponsible attitude." Canberra Cosmos coach, Rale Rasic on his players after his sacking. NOMINATION FOR THE "BIGGEST COST CUTTING" Biggest Rumour of 1999 was that Perth Glory former big boned, heavy set, weighty, big, big, big …… if you know what l mean……….big man, John Markovski lost so much weight under Glory's East German coach, Berd Stange, that Perth Glory saved money on away trips by just faxing him from city to city. NOMINATION FOR THE ABC TV GAME OF THE WEEK "BEST CALLS" AWARD OF THE SEASON 1. " Getting hit by a Markovski shot is like being stung by a European Wasp!" ABC TV special comments man - Alan Hunter - Perth Glory V Northern Spirit in Round 2. And again…." Usually it takes two to tango but it takes three to tango when you tango with John Markovski" Again………ABC TV special comments man - Alan Hunter - Perth Glory V Northern Spirit in Round 2. And again…ABC TV special comments man, Alan Hunter, for declaring, …………During the ABC's televised game between Sydney Olympic and Adelaide City in Round 15. 2. "Pezos is right up Lozanovski's clacker!" C7 - Sports Australia's Alan Davidson description on how tightly Adelaide Sharks defender, Paul Pezos was marking South Melbourne's Goran Lozanovski during their Round 2 encounter. NOMINATION FOR THE " TRUST ME - I'M THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA" AWARD OF THE SEASON When asked " If you were Prime Minister for a day, what would you do?"
NOMINATION FOR THE "I'II SAY SOMETHING NICE ABOUT YOU IF YOU SAY SOMETHING NICE ABOUT ME" AWARD OF THE SEASON… Nearly went to Northern Spirit coach, Graham Arnold and Carlton coach, Eddie Krncevic in Round 3. In reply to Arnold's description of Carlton as being
Please Eddie learn the script… NOMINATION FOR THE "MARIO MILANO HEADBUTT" OR "VINNY JONES LIVERPOOL KISS" AWARD OF THE SEASON Goes to Marconi Stallion's guitar strumming striker, Francis Awartife for allegedly head-butting Sydney United defender, Joe Vrkic in his team's Round 3-2 loss on Australia Day in Round 17. Francis denied that he made any contact saying, " If that was a head butt then I'm an astronaut" Soccer Australia quickly announced (unconfirmed so we will make it up anyway) that Awaritife's tribunal hearing would be postponed until after he arrived back from MARS. NOMINATION FOR THE "BIGGEST WIN SINCE DANNI MINOGUE GRADUATED FROM A BRA SIZE 18D TO A 42C AFTER PLASTIC SURGERY" AWARD OF THE SEASON Goes to Canberra Cosmos for getting their first win on Australia Day, 3-0 against Newcastle Breakers in Round 17. It was their first win in living memory and put a halt to the longest losing streak in global sporting history… (Diego Book of Unofficial Sporting Records). Overly excited coach, Tommy Sermani, reportedly (unconfirmed but we will report it anyway) put a lid on the win, saying, " We don't want to get carried away. We're going to take it one game at a time. Our aim is to win the next 22 games in a row and then go on to win this season's grand final." NOMINATION FOR THE 'THE WORST COMMENTATOR'S CALL' AWARD OF THE SEASON Goes to ABC TV soccer special comments man, Alan Hunter, who proclaimed prior to the game between Sydney Olympic & Marconi in Round 18 that…. " This game has got the makings of an absolute cliffhanger!" For the record Sydney Olympic won the game 5-0 and should have won 55-0. Good try Big Al…just remind me not to ask you for a Melbourne Cup tip next year. NOMINATION FOR THE "MY GROIN IS AS GOOD AS NEW" Goes to injury plagued, Perth Glory speedster, Robert Trajkovski, who after being out of the game for months with a hernia problem, played a pearler of a game, against the Adelaide Sharks, in him team's 3-1 away win in Round 19. Robert would like to thank one of the world's leading groin specialists, Dr Lorraina Bobbit, who was able to perform the successful surgery without anesthetic, a pair of rusty scissors and a lot of anger. NOMINATION FOR THE "GOOD ADVICE TO YOUNG AUSSIES ABOUT TO SIGN FOR LEEDS UNITED" AWARD OF THE SEASON Goes to Marconi coach, Frank Farina who, when asked what advice he would offer to young Aussie players who are wanted by Leeds United, but told they cannot play for Australia if they sign, replied: "Sign the contract then tell them to get stuffed". "BEST RECRUITING DRIVE" AWARD OF THE SEASON Goes to Adelaide Sharks coach, Adrian Santrac who in the lead up to the game against Melbourne Knights in Round 25 asked the question: "Anyone want a game?" Santrac was pleased with the response but unfortunately couldn't find places for the three Carmelite nuns, a mother of four, two plumbers, five garbage collectors and Democrat deputy leader, Nastasha Stott Despoja in the team. "I FEEL LIKE A HINDU SNAKE CHARMER WITH A DEAF COBRA" AWARD OF THE SEASON Goes to a furious Northern Spirit coach, Graham Arnold who in Round 25, after his team's 2-1 loss to bottom of the ladder, Canberra Cosmos vented his spleen on his charges… "I warned them all week that Canberra would take it to us but they just didn't listen". June 1999
THIS WEEK'S TEAM LIST MISPRINT OF THE WEEK Goes to Soccer Australia and The Age, for listing in the Melbourne Knight's team list for last week's game against Brisbane Strikers - a defender called 'R. Banana' For those of you curious enough, this was not, as first thought, a new Melbourne Knight's player recruited off the set of 'Boogie Nights' nor was it the brother of our Women's soccer correspondent, Chiquita Bananas. It was apparently a misprint - it should have read - R Banini Apparently, Ransford, 'Bananas in Pajamas' and 'Jimmy's Banana Palace' at the Footscray Market are taking legal action as we speak. November 1998
THE FOUR DIEGOS CHRISTMAS GIFT LIST TO ERICSSON CUP COACHES AND TIPS ON WHO OR WHAT THEY WILL BE KISSING UNDER THE MISTLETOE THIS CHRISTMAS Bernd Stange (Perth Glory) - What do you give a club who has everything? Who or what will Bernd be kissing under the mistletoe this Christmas? - A picture of John Markovski. Tony Brennan (Canberra Cosmos) - What do you give a club who has nothing? Who or what will Tony be kissing under the mistletoe this Christmas? - Buxom Canberra politician, Bronwyn Bishop…Err sorry…. Mrs. Brennan Frank Farina (Marconi) - Earplugs for Marconi striker, Francis Awaritife's late night guitar playing. Who or what will Frank be kissing under the mistletoe this Christmas? - The Stallionettes…Err…. Sorry Mrs. Farina. Angie Postecoglou (South Melbourne) - The bank account number of Turkish club, Trabsonspor, who want to purchase South defender, Tansel Baser but are unwilling to pay anything for him. Who or what will Angie be kissing under the mistletoe this Christmas? - The feet of Paul Trimboli. Eddie Krncevic (Carlton) - Carlton's striker, Alex Moriera's good mate, Ronaldo on a free transfer. Who or what will Eddie be kissing under the mistletoe this Christmas? - We hope its not John Elliot! Zoran Matic (Adelaide City) - A joke book Who or what will Zoran be kissing under the mistletoe this Christmas? - Adelaide City goal ace, Damien Mori's boot. David Mitchell (Sydney United) - A bigger budget! Who or what will David be kissing under the mistletoe this Christmas? - The Sydney United club treasurer. Manfred Schaefer (Adelaide Sharks) - Clippers for his sideburns. Who or what will Manfred be kissing under the mistletoe this Christmas? - His Elvis Presley albums. Branco Culina (Sydney Olympic) - A Ferrari to get out of town. Who or what will Branco be kissing under the mistletoe this Christmas? - Hopefully not Frank Arok. Nick Theodorakopoulos (Wollongong Wolves) - three points away from home. Who or what will Nick be kissing under the mistletoe this Christmas? - The cheque sent by Spanish second division club, Compostela for the purchase of Wolves striker, Kosta Salapisidis. John Kosmina (Brisbane Strikers) - A new stock of angry pills. Who or what will John be kissing under the mistletoe this Christmas? - Definitely not the Israeli central defender who got in his way during the 1985, 1987, 1989 World Cup and Olympic Games qualifying campaigns. Graham Arnold (Northern Spirit) - Some more top line kids that he can rush straight out kindergarten and into the team. Who or what will Graham be kissing under the mistletoe this Christmas? - We hope not the top of Robbie Slater's head for luck. Vid Horvat (Melbourne Knights) - Mark Viduka or 20% of his transfer fee to Glasgow Celtic quick smart! Who or what will Vid be kissing under the mistletoe this Christmas? - Goodbye to the Knights final's aspirations. Stuart Munro (Gippsland Falcons) - A frequent fliers card. Who or what will Stuart be kissing under the mistletoe this Christmas? - A rabbit's foot, a cow's hoof, a horse's hoof and his lucky rock. Lee Sterry (Newcastle Breakers) - Young goal scoring substitute, Greg Owens coming on every week and volleying in the winner from 30 metres out. Who or what will Lee be kissing under the mistletoe this Christmas? - The bank manager who will give him the money to strengthen his squad. December 1998 |
