"WHAT DO YOU MEAN FAIR? TRY FOLLOWING THE SOCCEROOS BUCKO" AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to Real Madrid goalkeeper, Iker Casillas who in the aftermath of his team's 1-0 first leg loss to Bayern Munich this week said, "If life was fair this was a game we would have won". The Four Diegos response: What do you mean fair? If life was fair Harry Kewell would still be a virgin, Mark Viduka would never have looked up the dictionary definition of 'burn-out syndrome' and the Socceroos would have to play Malta to qualify for the World cup. Now to long suffering Australians, that's what's fair is Bucko! May 2001
"STAND IN QUEUE, BUCKO" AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to the team that would rather use its Aussie World cup striker as thermal underwear for its bench rather than for scoring goals in its games, English Premier league team, Coventry City who, reports have it this week, are thinking of seeking compensation from Soccer Australia for the 'pinged hammy' sustained by John Aloisi during the Oceania World Cup qualifiers. On the compensation threat, an unnamed Soccer Australia spokesman in wholly unreliable reports chuckled and said: "So you want compensation? Well get in line Bucko." April 2001
Goes to Socceroo captain, Kevin 'Keep singing or I'll do you' Muscat for reportedly insisting that his team do the time-honoured 'Was it one …no, was it two …no' chant in full…yes that's all 31 goals, after Australia's world record 31-0 win over American Samoa last week in the first phase of the Oceania World Cup qualifiers. In response to rumoured resultant player unrest in the Aussie camp, Muscat was unapologetic: 'I don't know what the lads are upset about. Some had no idea they could count to 31. Ok, Foxey had to use a calculator and Archie wanted to double everything whilst 'Frogger' Mori wanted to divide everything by two but thankfully we got there in the end," said the Aussie hard man in wholly unsubstantiated Diego reports. April 2001
Goes to Tunoa Lui, coach of American Samoa who, for much needed comfort and consolation, after his team's 31-0 world record humiliation at the hands of the Socceroos in last week's World cup qualifiers, decided to turn to the almighty chairman of selectors in the sky - God. "God is the righteous one and because of him losing by so many goals does not matter," said Lui in his post-match, prayer and hymn singing press conference. 'Hell bent' on improving performance…err sorry; determine to 'exorcise the demons' of this campaign …err sorry again; in a bid to do better next time...that's more like it, it's rumoured that the Samoans are prepared to draw on divine intervention for the 2006 campaign. Apparently an 11th commandment yet to be ratified by the Vatican, 'When thee is getting thy arse kicked, thee shall employ the Inter Milan 'catenaccio' system last implemented in the first testament', is expected to be in full operation in the near future. The Four Diegos pray that God's speed and a stiff back line is with you. April 2001
Goes to Socceroo coach, Frank Farina for his vain attempt to play down Australia's 22 goal World cup record achievement against Tonga on Monday. In a bid to guard his team against complacency in the upcoming round two 'danger game' against American Samoa on Wednesday, Farina was forthright but still made the Diegos chuckle: "Make no bones about it, this is the Group of Death. Ok it could because Clint may die of hypothermia or because Aloisi and Mori will need a blood test after all the unprotected goal celebratory kissing or because Foxy suffered a life-threatening groin injury laughing so hard after the Tongan keeper dropped the ball for the 13th time but nevertheless in my opinion, this is still the Group of Death and while I'm in charge of this team we're just going to take it 22 goals at a time," he said in wholly unsubstantiated exclusive Diego reports. April 2001
"GREAT TONGAN WORLD CUP MOMENTS NO. 53: COME ON GUYS LET'S JUST PUT THAT ONE BEHIND US" AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to Tonga's World Cup coach, Gary 'How's this going to look on my CV?' Phillips, who has the unenviable task of getting his team's World cup campaign back on track after it's 22 goal mauling at the hands of Australia this week. "Ok I know you could lock our goalkeeper in a phone booth with Pamela Anderson and he still wouldn't get his hands on anything and I know I've got to convince the boys that the 4-4-2 is not a brand of Aussie beer but the team knows that we were only three and bit converted tries from a win against the Aussies, so we're going into the next game choc full of confidence," he told the Diegos in wholly fabricated reports.
Goes to the champions of the underdog and the breast feeders of the world football family, our good mates at FIFA who last week decided to add to their many activities, the role of chairman of selectors for the Australian football team. "Oceania Group One may be played in April, 2001, on the condition that FIFA and Oceania Football Confederation receive written confirmation from Soccer Australia that no player playing in European leagues will be selected to participate. If no written confirmation is received, the tournament will be played at the end of June, early July," wrote FIFA secretary Michel Zen - Ruffinen in a letter to Soccer Australia. In unconfirmed reports our man Michel went on: "We at FIFA would also like to see the sweeper system employed, Harry Kewell given a free role - that is to come and go as he pleases and Johnny Warren brought back into the squad to add experience. Furthermore, after we sort out the appropriate passport, we'd also like Sepp Blatter's nephew, Fatty, in the side and made captain ASAP." March 2001
AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to embattled coach (well we think he's the coach) of the Socceroos, Frank 'Well I think I'm the Coach' Farina for this week having to cope with unbearable pressure from FIFA, Soccer Australia and European clubs in his bid to assemble his Socceroo squad for the upcoming World cup qualifiers in Coffs Harbour. "Here's the whistle, clipboard and the whiteboard marker…You handle David O'Leary, Sheree Murphy's gynecologist, Iran 97, Alexander Downer, the SBS panel, player agents, the County Court of Victoria, Joe Simunic, Damien Mori and Graham Arnold's bad jokes. If you're going to bloody pick the team then bloody come and coach the team," cried Farina in wholly fabricated reports. In an unconfirmed Four Diego exclusive it appears that FIFA have since had second thoughts about the whole idea. March 2001
AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to the team whose players prefer to stick their heads up someone's backside and push hard searching for pig skin rather than kick a round ball, American Samoa who this week asked for the Oceania World cup qualifiers scheduled for Coff Harbour in early April to be postponed because of their inability to put together a squad. "We're not ready. The first we heard it was the soccer and not the rugby world cup was when Basil came around for a kick the other day. When we laid the scrimmage and started to tug and pull at each other's tool shed he said it was all very nice, but the object of the game is to play with Mitre balls and not with each others," explained American Samoa coach, Tunoa Lui in unreliable reports. March 2001
"O'LEARY STAND OFF WITH O'LEARY" Goes to Soccer Australia for this week cleverly re-igniting the Harry Kewell 'Will he or won't he come back to play' saga by considering an invitation by Leeds United to play the Socceroos next June in Australia. "We don't really care whether they come or not. We just want to see David O'Leary with mobile phone in one hand and office phone in the other bitterly arguing with himself over whether to release Harry for the tour - self combustion come well be a possibility," said a sniggering Soccer Australia spokesman in highly unreliable and unconfirmed reports. December 2000
"I AM SO, SO SORRY " AWARD OF THE WEEK Is for the plethora of heartfelt 'Sorrys' offered this week by a number of big name Aussie icons. Firstly it was Midnight Oil saying 'Sorry' to the entire aboriginal community for the sins of our forefathers and the entire Australian sports public for the sins of Soccer Australia. Then it was Olyroo coach, Raul Blanco saying 'Sorry' for his team's debacle in the Olympic football tournament and a further 'Sorry' for the verandah hanging over his tool-shed in publicity shots. Then it was Greg Norman saying 'Sorry' for hitting golf balls into the Olympic Closing Ceremony crowd. Apparently he aimed for Basil Scarsella but hit the Governor General instead. Did Channel 7 say 'Sorry' for showing very little Olympic football, let alone any soccer at all over the past 3 years, I hear you ask? No that's apparently coming up after they say 'Sorry' for Gary Wilkinson, Home and Away and Rex Hunt's Footy Show. October 2000
"MAMA SAID NEVER GO OUT WITHOUT CLEAN UNDERWEAR' AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to the Italian Olympic Football team for running over to a pocket of Azzuri fans at the MCG on Wednesday night and proceed to celebrate their win by pulling off their shorts and triumphantly tossing them into the crowd. "Mate I had to duck and weave pretty pronto" said Italian fan Guido explaining how he had to flee for his life once he spotted a pair of soccer shorts drenched in Italian crutch sweat plummet towards him. "Mate don't get me wrong, I love the Italian soccer team but you should've seen the skid marks on those things!" September 2000
"I'M BACK… BIGGER, BOLDER & MORE BEAUTIFUL" Goes to man whose dad has employed the services of the Broadmeadow's 'Badda Bing' boys to give Manchester United's Andy Cole a good going over, yes it's Socceroo, Olyroo and Carlton star defender, Simon Colosimo, who last night made his long awaited return to the game after undergoing a full knee reconstruction last July as a result of a tackle from Cole. Prior to the game, Colosimo was buoyant… "The knee is feeling great. I am really excited about coming back to play senior soccer. Everything is ready to go. I just can't wait to get out there." The Diegos are a little unsure whether Simon was looking forward to his return but all the best to 'Schema' anyway. The Diegos loves ya baby! March 2000
"YOU'RE KIDDING - THE BOUNCERS AT CHASERS DISCO COULD'VE DONE A BETTER JOB" AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to the Hungarian soccer authorities that failed to adequately provide security at the potentially explosive clash between Hungary and the Socceroos in Budapest during the week. The local Hungarian throng, seething as a result of a cyanide spill by an Australian owned mining company that killed up to 85 tonnes of fish in the Tisza river last week, decided that it was all Socceroo, Mark Bosnich's fault and used him for target practice in the second half. A physical stock take of the debris in Bozza's goalmouth after the game revealed coins, plastic bottles, rubbish, one firecracker, three dead fish and a partridge in a pear tree. Socceroo coach, Frank Farina, beating around the bush as always, said, " They told me there was security among the crowd, but I didn't see any evidence of it. There was f…all security as far as I'm concerned." February 2000
AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to our very own Aussie soccer fish monger, Socceroo goalkeeper, Mark Bosnich, who had to employ all his evasive skills to dodge a quarter pound flake, a 5 kilo stunned mullet and a 3 metre smoked cod that was thrown his way by irate Hungarian 'Ultras' behind his goal during the Socceroo's 3-0 win over Hungary in Budapest during the week. " I should've known something was amiss when Hungarian TV kept on showing re-runs of the HBA 'Incense and Banging of two dead fish together' therapy ads prior to the game", said a pensive Bosnich. Bosnich was also unperturbed about reports that he was to be the central figure in a new Hungarian film depicting the Tisza river disaster called: 'A Dead Fish Called Bosnich' February 2000
Ten things the Socceroos could've, should've done to Harry Kewell just for a stir when he arrived to play in Hungary
February 2000
Goes to the six Aussie based Socceroos whose Chile-bound plane this week, developed engine trouble off the coast of New Zealand forcing it to make an emergency landing in Auckland. An unconfirmed Diegos report stated that the boys trauma on the flight was exacerbated by the in flight movie, 'Alive', a story of a Uruguayan Rugby team who survived by eating dead team mates after their plane crash landed in the snow covered mountains of Bolivia in the late 70's. " I thought we were in trouble when I looked over at fellow Socceroo, Pablo Cardozo and all I saw was a succulent, steaming Nando's Spicy Portuguese Chicken Drumstick" admitted a relieved Aussie player who did not want to be named. February 2000
" MISSED BY THAT MUCH...!" AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to the Joey's heroic custodian, Jessie Van Stratten, who in last week's tragic penalty shoot loss to Brazil in the Under 17 World Cup final, literally got more hand on ball than Michael Jackson doing the 'Thriller' video, but still failed to bring home the bacon for our young heroes. "I was getting my hand to them but it was not enough. I can't help but think that I was literally only a few fingertips away from winning for my country" said a gutted Van Stratten.
he didn't lose… December 1999
'I'M LEAVING ON A JET PLANE, DON'T KNOW WHEN I'LL BE BACK AGAIN' AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to newly appointed, embattled coach of the Socceroos, Frank 'Frequent Flyer' Farina, who announced this week, that he was switching his focus to preparing his team from Australia to Europe and South America in the lead up to the 2002 World Cup qualifiers. The new strategy designed to avoid the 'His mine all mine do you hear me - Ha, Ha, Ha', ill-willed, Club V Country, tug of war which consistently deprives Australia from fielding its best team, should be a win-win for the clubs and the Socceroos. Rumours however, are rife that Leeds will continue to prevent Aussie star, Harry Kewell from turning up because the tram ride now needed to get to training may slow the healing process of his injured calf. Dam public transport! November 1999
"AH… YOU KNOW HOW I SAID I WANT TO STEP ASIDE AFTER THIS TOURNAMENT AND GIVE SOME OF THE YOUNGER COACHES A CHANCE...WELL I'VE CHANGED MY MIND " AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to the man who is experiencing the biggest career renaissance since the 'Don Lane Show' took the RSL cabaret circuit by storm in 1998, Les Scheinflug, the coach of the Australian Under 17-soccer team. Under his iron -fisted tutelage, the often-besieged German born Scheinflug, who was roundly blamed for Australia's poor showing at the Under 20 World Championship this year and has announced his retirement from international coaching after this tournament, has taken the Joeys to within a whisker of World Championship glory. " Vee vill vin zee final conVINcingly. Zee boys have been vonderful, vondorous and villing. I vill go vild if ve vin zee big one" said an excited Scheinflug, strangely sounding more like Schultz from Hogans Heroes more and more every day. Good luck to zee Joey's this afternoon in the World Cup final. Vee hope you Vin! November 1999
Goes to all the Maltese people in North Sunshine, St.Albans and in particular, in the Sunshine Georgies Social Club, who have been ringing and writing to the Four Diegos all this week… The answer to your question is 'No', the Joeys is not the nickname of the Maltese National Soccer Team… The Four Diegos hope that this has finally cleared up the confusion.
1. Will any of the SOCOG Fats cats ever remember who the hell authorized those damn premium packages? 2. Will Monica Lewinsky ever regret choosing Bill Clinton over the Four Diegos? 3. Will Danni Minogue's breast implants withstand the cabin pressure of Jacque Villenurve's Turbo Charged Formula one? 4. Will Harry Kewell ever play for Australia?
November 1999
" WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE BALD CHIPMUNK IS NOT PLAYING???" AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes Brazil series promoters, IMG after the man, who the Four Diegos affectionately call the 'Chipmunk with twinkle toes and a great right foot', Ronaldo, jumped on a plane and vamoosed out of here effectively guaranteeing the biggest financial disaster for the company since the Stock market 'SELL SELL SELL' of 1928. That's the bad news. The good news is at least he didn't have a convulsive fit! November 1999
"BIGGEST SENSE OF DÉJÀ VU SINCE THE DIEGOS LAST SAW THE BOOTLEG COPY OF THE TOMMY LEE AND PAMELA ANDERSON 'HOW TO PLAY TWISTER AT HOME' VIDEO" AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to the Socceroos, who for the second time in the Diegos lifetime, forfeited a comfortable two goal lead, in a game at the MCG, in front of 80,000 people, interrupted by an overweight pitch invader. Sound Familiar????? In remarkably similar circumstances to that ill-fated night on 29 November 1997 against Iran, the Aussies managed to squander dominance and a couple of sausage rolls to an upstart Brazilian outfit to draw 2-2 on Wednesday night. Yep, I get this strange feeling that I've experienced before, the only difference is that this time I won't be throwing myself off the West Gate Bridge.
November 1999
"IT'S YOUR FAULT, NO IT'S YOUR FAULT, NO, NO IT'S YOUR FAULT" AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to Aussie soccer star, Harry ' Houdini ' Kewell and his club, Leeds 'I've run out of excuses but he can't come anyway' United, for absolutely bamboozling all and sundry in the rancorous tug of war over Kewell's services on the eve of the Socceroos V Brazil series…. A brief recap - we hope you can follow this…
This saga makes Abbot and Costello's - 'Whose on First, What's on second, I don't know who's on third' look as uncomplicated as a ' Wiggles meets High Five' subplot. November 1999
'MORE UNPOPULAR THAN THE QUEEN & THE GOVERNOR GENERAL ROLLING UP TO A REPUBLICAN POOL PARTY WITHOUT ANY BEER' AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to guess whom??? Apart from Inter Milan……… Of course it's Harry Kewell who this week was told that… 'We are not going to let him pick and choose when he wants to play for Australia. …If that means no Olympic games for Harry then………"
"We should forget about him…he could go and play for Madagascar as far as I am concerned," "Harry's cried wolf too often. Either he wants to play for his country or not. If he doesn't, then we should forget about him. Then we'll see what his made of."
AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to the 'Will he or won't he come and play' Socceroo and Leeds United superstar, Harry Kewell for again becoming the centre of another 'Leeds United V Soccer Australia' tug of war over his services on the eve of the Brazil series. In a saga that is more long running than the 'Will Ridge from the Bold and the Beautiful marry his pregnant girlfriend, Precious, who's really his step -mother carrying his brother's child' storyline, it remains to be seen whether our Harry will actually turn up in November, let alone marry his step mother who is carrying his brother's child! November 1999
"I'M SORT OF SORRY" AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to, now officially, the most vilified man Downunder since Russian tennis sour puss, Yevgeny Kafelinkov poisoned our tennis courts, Leeds United manager, David O'Leary. O'Leary this week in the great tradition of prominent 'Sorry Sayers' namely, SOCOG Chairman, Michael Knight, the Fonze, Ricky Ponting and Hugh Grant, said sorry to all and sundry for the rancorous Kewell stand-off, of which he was the major instigator…. " I am sorry to disappoint the Australian nation, I am sorry to disappoint the player, and I am sorry to disappoint his family…but the bottom line is Harry is a young player and I've got to look after him."
Goes again to the 'very sorry' manager of Leeds United and staunch monarchist, David O'Leary, for finally clarifying his intransigent stance in the Harry Kewell saga, explaining "Oh …All this time I've been saying 'No' because I thought Frank Farina was asking me about my vote on the republic…sorry I'm so, so sorry for the misunderstanding…by the way God Save the Queen!" November 1999
"HE SAID CAPTAIN; I SAID WOT, HE SAID CAPTAIN; I SAID WOT, HE SAID CAPTAIN; I SAID WOT, HE SAID CAPTAIN; I SAID WOT YOU WANT?" AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes…
Yes we are of course, talking about the new captain of the Socceroos, Mark Bosnich…Congratulations Captain Sensible. I suppose we have all had enough of Alex Tobin's loutish behaviour. November 1999
'LOGIE AWARD FOR THE LONGEST RUNNING SOCCER SOAP OPERA' AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to the 'Will he or won't he come and play' Socceroo and Leeds United superstar, Harry Kewell for again becoming the centre of another Leeds United V Soccer Australia tug of war for his services on the eve of the Brazil series commencing in a fortnight. In a saga that is more long running than the 'Will Ridge from the Bold and the Beautiful marry his pregnant girlfriend, Precious, who is really his step -mother carrying his brother's child' storyline, it remains to be seen whether our Harry will turn up in November, let alone marry his step mother who is carrying his brother's child! November 1999
AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to IMG, Soccer Australia and Socceroo coach, Frank Farina, for this week announcing that duel world player of the year, Ronaldo and a full list of Aussie stars, including the reluctant Josip Simunic, will front up for the November series between 'Australia V Brazil'. Given that all this is hard to believe, the Diegos will now speculate about some possible excuses that will be used to explain both Ronaldo's and Simunic's withdrawal from the tour at the 11th hour. Ronaldo:
Simunic:
October 1999
"A FULL STRENGTH AUSSIE SQUAD - I'D LIKE TO SEE THAT" AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to newly appointed Socceroo coach, Frank 'I Believe in Miracles' Farina who this week stated that he is becoming increasing confident that he will be able to field a full-strength Socceroo squad against the World Champion, Brazilians in November. Call it mis-guided optimism, call it a young man's fantasy, call it what you want...but to see a full strength Aussie line up in the middle of a European season; the Diegos would like to see that. Some Four Diegos good advice, Frankie; Beware the curse of the mysterious Harry Kewell groin strain. It can manifest itself with little warning. September 1999
Goes to Olyroo coach and failed Socceroo coaching aspirant, Raul Blanco, who, after missing out on the top job, has finally spoken out. What really irked the Patrick Hernandez of Aussie Soccer coaching was not that he was overlooked for the job, but that he was the only candidate who wasn't interviewed. "I didn't even get a chance to show off my South American qualifying three-piece 'Born to Be Alive', disco suit. It's just not fair." September 1999
"LOVE DOESN'T LIVE HERE ANY MORE" Goes to "no show", Aussie international (well we think he still is), Harry Kewell, who again failed to turn up for an Olyroo training camp in England this week. Well we are sick of it. We are not going to take anymore of 'Sorry I have to wash my hair' excuses, or the "Sorry I had Porsche trouble" excuses. We just want Harry to know that there will be no more love for Harry at the Four Diegos love shack unless he pulls on that Green and Gold shirt once again. September 1999
"DARLING STOP CRYING. I GOT THE JOB" AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to Julie Farina, wife of newly appointed coach of the Socceroos, Frank Farina, who has reportedly been unable to stop crying since Soccer Australia's made their momentous announcement last weekend. It's unclear whether Julie is a shedding tear of joy because her husband has finally realized his life long dream of lead the Socceroos to the World Cup, or tears of pain at the paltry pay packet offered by the cash strapped Soccer Australia to Frank to do the job. Either way Julie, stop your sobbing…if Frankie doesn't win games you'll certainly be doing your fair share of crying in the future.
Goes to the man who prefers a Grasshopper to a Socceroo, a yodel rather than a chunder and a schnapps rather than a VB - former Blackburn Rovers and Inter Milan manager, Roy Hodgson for this week, confirming that he had lost interest in the Socceroo job and instead taken the position as head coach of Swiss club, FC Grasshoppers. Speaking exclusively to the Diegos from his Swiss Alp hideaway, wearing his mountain hat with a feather in it, hiking boots and insulated German Slap Dancing shorts, Hodgson explained, " Don't get me wrong. My decision wasn't about money, it's just that the money wasn't good enough." I'm glad that that's clarified things once and for all. Apparently it's not about money! August 1999
"GOOD OLD FASHION FOUR DIEGOS HOMESPUN ADVICE" Goes to the short list of Aussie coaches applying for the Socceroo coaching position, who this afternoon are set to face their moment of truth; face up their maker; face their judge and jury or in Chairman of Soccer Australia, Basil Scarcella's case, their Judge Judy. For Parramatta Power coach, David Mitchell, Marconi coach, Frank Farina, former Carlton coach, Eddie Krncevic and South Melbourne back-to-back premiership coach, Angie Postecoglou, here are some Diego interview - Do's and Don'ts Do's · Tell them you can get Harry Kewell to come back and play for the Socceroos all the time. · Tell them that you have a rich friend at Rupert Murdoch's - News Ltd · Tell them that you like Basil Scarcella's hairstyle and Soccer Australia Commissioner, Frank Labozzetta's homemade salami. · Tell them that Australia's only World Cup coach; Rale Rasic will be your advisor. Don'ts · Don't Mention Money · Don't tell them that you want to base yourself in Barbados · Don't Mention Terry Venables or Roy Hodgson for that matter · Don't at any stage mention your plan to have regular Player Agent barbeques at Socceroo training camps. · And don't make fun of Basil's name. Good Luck to all the boys. The first time an Aussie born coach will coach the national team. History in the making, great too see! August 1999
"WHICH RESUME THAT WILL NAIL IT?" AWARD OF THE WEEK This week goes to all of the six candidates on the short list for the Socceroo job. It has been made known to the Diegos that the interview process for the 'big cahuna' Socceroo role, that has claimed many fine men over the years, commenced this week and it was pleasing to hear that all challenges for the position were at their Brillcream, Old Spice and Mum Extra Dry deodorant best. All candidates displayed impressive and unique credentials, which in some cases prompted mixed reactions from the interview panel. In former Carlton coach, Eddie Krncevic's case, it is believed that his ability to get into any nightclub in the world free of charge, was a plus but the fact that he is better looking than self styled 'spunk', Aussie goalkeeper, Mark Bosnich, it was felt, could prompt an unwanted 'Fabio' change room rivalry and hence went against him. In Marconi coach, Frank Farina's case, the fact that he survived a year coaching unconventional, 'Throw the team plan out the window' striker, Francis Awaritife, was a plus. The fact that he never returns any of the Four Diegos calls went against him. In Parramatta Power coach, David Mitchell's case, the fact that he has be able to coach a bunch of malnourished, impoverished, penniless, Sydney United IOU laden individuals to a grand final, against the odds, was a plus. His natural instinct to kick a goalkeeper, an obsessive remnant of his playing days, was felt, would never go down well with Mark Bosnich. In Brisbane Striker coach, John Kosmina's case, his absolute uncategorical, non- negotiable and unremitting hate of the opposition was a plus. The fact that since 1985 the Israelis have been after him was seen as a negative. In Adelaide City coach, Zoran Matic's case, it was believed that his ability to downright bamboozle journalists at post match press conferences was seen as a plus. The fact that Socceroo and Adelaide City stars, Alex Tobin and Aurellio Vidmar would have to endure abuse from Matic for both club and country was seen as unfair to both players and went against him. In South Melbourne coach, Angie Postecoglou's case, it was believed his back to back premiership record with the Lake-siders was a plus but his request to employ the Bob Jane Stadium backyard peanut & chestnut seller as the team's new nutritionist went against him. July 1999
"THERE'S PLENTY OF FIGHT LEFT IN THE OLD COLOSIMO YET, BUCKO!" AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to lame but fired up Socceroo defender, Simon Colosimo, who in the aftermath of the horrific knee injury he suffered last week against Manchester United, which will keep him out of soccer for up to 12 months, declared that he will overcome this hurdle and come back a bigger and better player just in time for the Olympics. "I've just got to look forward to the next 6 months and work my nuts off…." These are fighting words. To all of Simon's girlfriends out there…don't worry it's only a figure of speech. Good-on-ya Colos… the Diegos are with you all the way except for the nuts bit, that is!
July 1999
Goes to fiery Socceroo midfielder, Danny 'where's Andy Cole?" Tiatto, who last week at Stadium Australia, on seeing his teammate, Simon Colosimo pole-axed by an errant Andy Cole tackle, decided to go 'Andy Cole hunting'. Tiatto, who in the past has proved that he is not adverse to a bit of 'biffo' on the pitch, instigated one of the best melees seen in a Socceroo international since the John Kosmina blood letting-WWF fracas against the Israelis in 1985. Good-on-ya Danny for flying the flag...All of Werribee stands up and salute! July 1999
YOUR CORNFLAKES' - AWARD OF THE WEEK: Goes to Manchester United's million dollar pretty boy, turned butcher-striker, Andy Cole for perpetrating one of the most disgraceful acts by an overseas touring player on a Socceroo since Attila Abonyi was viciously Karate chopped into retirement back in 1974 by a member of the Uruguayan National team. Cole, who from now on will be referred to by the Diegos as the "Red Devil-Jackie Chan", placed young Socceroo star defender, Simon Colosimo immediate playing future in jeopardy with what can only be described as a horrendous ligament-pinging, knee-snapping and Orthopedic surgeon-seeking, late tackle. A revenge pursuing Socceroo coach, Raul Blanco, joined in the aftermath chorus of condemnation with some hard hitting, no nonsense words:
Good on ya Raul. Go ahead, you tell him. July 1999
Goes to flamboyant, Manchester United tour bank roller, Rene Rivkin, who this week offered to create instant millionaires of two spectators at the Socceroos V Manchester United games in Melbourne and Sydney. The Task Simple: Just belt a ball 60 metres, over a three metre high wall and into the back of the net and you're a winner. What Rivkin didn't tell hopeful aspirants was that if they succeeded with this first assignment, to get the money, they then had to entice David Beckham away from his Caribbean love nest with Posh Spice. To top it off, they then had to entice Alex Ferguson away from the amorous advances of a love sick and neglected Queen Elizabeth III, who from all reports, is not only keen to present him with his knighthood but hell bent to see what is really under Ferguson's kilt. Rene, the Four Diegos think your money is safe! July 1999
Goes to the Olyroos cum Socceroos, who were pictured in the lead up to the Melbourne leg of their two match series against the 'Spiceless' Manchester United, doing calisthenics in the Crown Casino pool. There was no hair pulled back, no clips on noses, no glistening white teeth, no synchronized 'Nut Bush City Limits' underwater disco dancing but the boys sure showed the sort of potential that would make any member of the Australian Sydney 2000 Female Synchronized Swimming team worried about their spot in the games. An impressed spokesperson for the Olympic Synchronized Swimming team, Stephanie Crutch-waver said after the Socceroos impromptu pool session,
July 1999
"I DON'T WANT TO SAY THAT I TOLD YOU SO BUT 'I TOLD YOU SO" AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to Herald Sun Aussie Rules football writer, Trevor Grant, who joined in the chorus this week, questioning the status of the 'Socceroo V Manchester United' series, describing it as…
He went on to state that the AFL have, as a result been proved right not to agree to move the Richmond v Melbourne clash from Friday night to accommodate this so-called game of little value. In response to Mr. Grant's gratuitous slag off at soccer, the Diegos say… Our 'Socceroos V Manchester United' Rip Off of an exhibition game, that no one wanted to play in, drew 70,000 people to the MCG. AFL 'State of Origin' Rip off of an exhibition game, that no one wanted to play in, drew a paltry 35,000 to the MCG. Na, Na, NaNa, Na our Rip off was better than yours Na, Na, NaNa, Na ……
Goes to Soccer Australia this week for pulling out the big stick - FIFA Rule 41 - and threatening to use it to beat the living daylights out of any club that does not release those Socceroos selected for next week's two match series against the world's best club side, Manchester United. An indignant Soccer Australia chairman, Basil Scarcela, reportedly said this week... " Iraq has chemical weapons, the U.S. has Patriot missiles, the Australian Navy has sailors who run around nude and slap each other on their bare vegemite - laden backsides and Soccer Australia has FIFA Rule 41. Don't provoke us. It's our secret weapon and just as God is my witness, we will use it if we have to" July 1999
"YOU'II NEVER HAVE HIM; HE'S MINE, ALL MINE, DO YOU HEAR ME?" AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to all the overseas clubs that are not allowing our Aussies to come back and wear the Green and Gold against the Red Devils next week. Some of the highly dubious excuses given by clubs thus far for player's non-attendance include… Leeds United says that Harry Kewell can't come because it's his turn to do the chores around the club - Walk the dog, do the dishes etc…
A Coventry City spokesman who did not wanted to be named, reportedly said John Aloisi can't come 'Because when we bought him we wanted our pound of flesh and by God we're going to get our pound of flesh. When he is 35 and on his last legs he is quite welcome to play for the Socceroos." July 1999
" A SENSE OF DEJU VU" AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to the Australian Women's Soccer team, The Matildas, who this week, prompted a strong feeling of 'déjà vu' amongst the Aussie soccer fraternity after their 3-1 loss to China in the Women's World cup. The Aussies leave this tournament with no wins in 3 games, playing up to 9 of the 1995 World Cup squad which surprise, surprise, left the World cup in Sweden four years ago with no wins in three games. Call me mad, Call me insane but I feel a strong sense of déjà vu coming on. July 1999
"MONEY IS NOT AN ISSUE BUT IF YOU DON'T GIVE ME $750,000, YOU CAN COACH YOUR OWN TEAM" AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to former Switzerland, Inter Milan, Blackburn Rovers and FIFA All Star coach, Roy Hodgson, who appears to have been ruled out as the next Socceroo coach due to his $750,000 per year price tag. Hodgson said on a previous visit to Australia "Money's not the issue. If I wanted to earn the kind of money I've been making at Inter or Blackburn, then I wouldn't even be considering a National coaching job." Although this a disappointing outcome for Soccer Australia, they have drawn comfort from knowing that the demands of 4 local possibilities, for the position, are much more in keeping with the Federation's budget. It is believed that current Olyroo coach; Raul Blanco wants one year's supply of CC's and Old El Paso spicy Mexican-bean salsa. * Soccer Australia can come up with that. Former Carlton grand-final coach, Eddie Krncevic, wants unlimited visits to the hairdresser of the stars, the Magnificent Sergio of South Yarra. *Soccer Australia chairman, Basil Scarcella can swing that. Former Sydney United coach, David Mitchell, just wants a team that gets paid. *It will be tight, but Soccer Australia can do that. Marconi Stallions coach, Frank Farina, wants a mobile phone that actually switches on, so that he can finally give the Four Diegos the interview that he has promised on 3 occasions but as yet been unable to provide. · Ericsson reckons they can swing that! June 1999
Doesn't go to the recently crowned, World Champion Aussie Cricket team for courageously coming back from the dead repeatedly in the last fortnight to miraculously capture the World Cup and bring it back to our shores. It doesn't go to outstanding Sydney teenager, female tennis player, Jelena Dokic, for sensationally defeating World No One, Martina Hingis in straight sets at Wimbledon during the week. It doesn't even go to the Aussie producers of Cold Cooked Chicken, who this week won the right to keep their plucked and chilled product GST free. Instead it goes to the Olyroos who during the week defeated Singapore 5-0 in a practice match on a hot, sweaty night, in front of a massive, chock-a-block crowd of 6,000 curry-laksa munchers. The Diegos ask why wasn't this result on the front page of The Age, The Herald Sun and the Sydney Morning Herald. Surely this captured the hearts and minds of all Aussies! Bring on more Olyroo practice matches……….the Diegos are waiting with baited breath.
"WILL THE REAL RUUD GULLIT PLEASE STAND UP" Goes to Left Field Solutions, the promoters of the Socceroos V FIFA All Stars game last weekend, for successfully appearing as though they had pulled off the biggest coup since The Four Diegos convinced Monica Lewinsky to give them a back rub. Implementing a clever strategy of association, the promoters convinced many that they had enticed Dutch legend and Newcastle 'Sexy football' coach, Ruud Gullit to appear at the Stadium Australia extravaganza. Was Ruud fronting INXS? NO that was Terrence Trent D'Arby. Was Ruud chatting up the groupies at the 'After Party'? NO that was Marconi Stallion, 'Bob Marley' look-alike Frances Awaratife. Was Ruud hiding in a broom closet on the 4th level of Stadium Australia? NO that was a dirty mop! Will the real Ruud Gullit please stand up?
June 1999
"I KISSED A MAN" GOAL OF THE WEEK Goes to sensational Socceroo and former guest of the award winning Four Diegos, Ned Zelic, who after sending three world XI players into a 'tizz' as a result of throwing a 'Christopher Skase like fake', a 'Stan Collymore dummy' and a 'Democrat GST back flip', unleashed a 30 metre…NO…NO an 85 metre screamer past the flaying arms of All-Star Mexican keeper, Jorge Campos, to make it 1-1 in the Stadium Australia opener last weekend. "That was the second best goal of my career behind the goal I scored against Holland to put us through to the Barcelona Olympics" said an upbeat Zelic after the game. The Diegos refute this however, believing that it was his third best, but the management of Chasers nightclub is saying nothing about that Saturday night of dance floor passion a few years back. June 1999
"IF YOU SAY I'M TOO SHORT TO BE A GOALKEEPER, I'LL HEADBUTT YOU IN THE SHINS" AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to the diminutive and slightly 'il loco' World XI Mexican goalkeeper, Jorge Campos, who after coming on after half time last weekend against the Socceroos, proceeded to have his biggest nightmare since Freddie Kruger last had a chili and salsa sandwich. First Socceroo, Zelic, scored from 'downtown' and then patted him on the head and called him short stuff. Second, Brett Emerton scored with virtually his first touch, sliding a soft shot under his 'smurf-like' body. And thirdly, his own player, Chilean, Javier Margas, scored an own goal past him. Apparently his teammates carried him off the ground shoulder high. Not because he was declared the team's hero, but because he could see where he was going after the game, 'there are too many tall people in this country' he complained. June 1999
"WINNER TAKE ALL CAGE-MATCH" AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes NOT to the match up between the Socceroos V FIFA All Stars. NOT to the scurrilous, unscrupulous members of the scumbag media beating one another to a pulp to interview the world's most expensive wearer of a Versace jock strap, Christian Vieri. The award DOESN'T even go to the match-up between the rogue South Melbourne Soccer club peanut man and the Stadium Australia, Brutus-beefcake security who tried to prevent him from selling pumpkin seeds to John Howard's in the VIP box. But the award goes to the match-up between incumbent Socceroo coach and excellent exponent of the Tiger Singh sleeper-hold, Raul Blanco and aspiring coach, Roy Hodgson, the master of the Waldo Van Eric figure four leg lock. Who's going to win this thriller to become the Socceroos polyfilla is anyone's guess. June 1999 |
