"COME ON BABY, COME HOME TO MAMA" Goes to Real Madrid president, Florentino Perez, who this week declared that world record signing, former Barcelona, Portuguese international, Luis Figo was born to play for the club. "To me it seems like Figo has always played at Real Madrid. I think the player was born with one purpose and that was to play at Real Madrid," explained Perez In unconfirmed and unsubstantiated reports, he continued: "Too bad it took $ 93 million and my left testicle for the bugger to come home to mama. Thank God his an only child." February 2001
"WORLD FOOTBALL LESSON NO.23 - WHAT NOT TO DO WHEN THREATENED BY A BASQUE TERRORIST ORGANIZATION" AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to France and Bayern Munich star defender, Bixente Lizarazu who this week responded to a recent death threat by Basque Separatist Group, ETA against himself and his family, by saying that he would not rule out a move to a club in Spain, home of the ETA group, sometime in the future. "I wouldn't rule out a move to Spain. I love the Bernabeu (Real Madrid) and Nou Camp (Barcelona) stadiums. When you play in one of those places you realize you're part of the elite." Before you conclude that our mate, Lizarazu must like swimming in concrete shoes, in unreliable, unsubstantiated and wholly unconfirmed reports, the intrepid Lizarazu went on to say: " I also l enjoy my time at my Beach House on the Gaza Strip, sailing on my yacht on the Muraroa Atoll and spending the ski season in Chernobyl." January 2001
Goes to Atletico Madrid defender, Jean Francois Hernandez for this week admitting he has had thoughts about quitting his club after being sent off for the fourth time this season last weekend. "There was a quarter of an hour when I thought I'd quit Spain and look for a club elsewhere. Me getting sent off all the time can't carry on. Something's going on" In wholly unreliable and unconfirmed reports Hernandez went on: " I hate it when my right fist decides to hit my opponent in the face or my mouth decides to spew obscenities to the ref. My body parts show so much ill-discipline at times - it just can't carry on." January 2001
'REV HEADS STAND UP AND SALUTE' Goes to Real Madrid players Albert Celades and Alberto Rivera who have been disciplined by their club after a drink-driving incident over the festive season. It is believed that both players whilst under the influence of their dad's homemade sangria, decided to race each other in a late night alcohol-fuelled, testosterone driven petrol head challenge.
In wholly unconfirmed, unsubstantiated and unreliable reports, the boys although shaken by their fish tail that went wrong, are still up for any challenges 'I've got a beast under the bonnet and we'll take those Lygon Street 'Nancy -boys' on anytime; name the time, name the place - your all a pack of pussys" declared Riveria January 2001
"IS IT SOMETHING I SAID?" AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to Real Betis reserve goalkeeper - Joaguin Valero who managed this week to get himself sent off for insulting the referee - 40 minutes before the kick off of his team's match against Albacete in the Spanish second division. "I was just standing around the tunnel with my mate and said 'Check out the rug on that guy's head'. How was I to know that it was the referee? He had his Safari suit on for heaven's sake," said Valero in wholly unconfirmed reports. For his part the referee, Fidel Valle Gil (Big ears to his mates) was unrepentant. "People say I'm over sensitive but insulting behaviour deserves a red card - taxi drivers, bank tellers, check out chicks, phone operators, my wife …toohey...a red card to you all" December 2000
"I DID A BAD, BAD THANG" AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes to Real Madrid's Steve Mc Manaman who this week, was at pains to distance himself from the bad-boy image of a typical English soccer player. 'I don't want to be classed as the traditional type of English footballer who is reckless with money, kicks people, hits long balls and fights a lot. I would like people to see me as a more intelligent player, one who doesn't spend all day giving exclusives to the media in return for money' said Mc Manaman in an exclusive interview with the Four Diegos reputedly worth a six figure sum, that unfortunately ended in a fight because the beer was too cold. December 2000
"ANALYZE THIS" AWARD OF THE WEEK Goes Barcelona president, Joan Gaspart who this week held a press conference to give his analysis of his first hundred days in charge of one of the biggest, most demanding, passionately supported clubs in the world. "My God My God why have you forsaken me?" cried Gaspart in a short but desperate unconfirmed statement read out by his shrink. Other than that we are assured things are going well
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