An Open Letter to Warren Diego 

Dear Warren,

Hope you are well.

I last saw you at Johannesburg Airport where South African customs were giving you a cavity search. Hope it all went well.

Did you manage to smuggle in the fruit fly infested Zulu artifacts? Nanna Diego is asking for you and wants to know when you are dropping over the Vuvuzela she gave you her last pension cheque to buy. She also asks that you bring some of those KFC chicken nuggets that you introduced her to. They make her regular.

Anyway the reason why I’m writing is that I’m worried for you and the fans of Liverpool FC around the world.

As you know the club announced in a blaze of publicity during the world cup (reported right next to deaths and obituaries in the English tabloids) that its new manager is Roy Hodgson.

Those who have been listening to the Diegos for the last 17 years would know that you have had a torrid love affair with the Liverpool FC all your life. I’m not talking about any old puppy love affection either. I’m talking a dysfunctional, twisted, weird interpretation of the karma sutra type sick love affair.

We know, as do our millions of weekly listeners, that you would ‘turn’ for Steven Gerrard. There is no question that you would leave your wife and kids in a heartbeat if ‘Stevie G’ came calling.

We also know that back in 2004 you acrimoniously divorced the club and shacked up with Bolton Wanderers in a one night stand that made the naked hairy man wrestling scene in Borat seem arousing.

In appointing Roy there’s no doubt that the mob running Anfield these days are trying to get in touch with the ‘Boot Room’ culture that brought the club so much success in the 1970’s and 80’s.

In those days the club was a powerhouse of world football winning First Division titles, FA CUPs (when they weren’t the Kissing Your Sister variety) and European Cups for fun.

The club was awash with legends of the game such as Kenny Dalglish, Ian Rush, Ray Clemence and Kevin Keegan. The values of the club were clear to see and every player to a man knew what it meant to play for Liverpool. They did it for the shirt, excelling in front of the Kop and thriving on the Anfield roar.

Reality check Warren …..Roy Hodgson is not the man to bring Liverpool back to the glory days.

He has made his name transforming underperforming mediocre teams not expected to win things into over performing mediocre teams that are not expected to win things. He has coached the Fulham of international football - Switzerland - to successful mediocrity as he has 16 other teams achieving everything from pub team excellence in mediocrity (at Bristol City) to coaching the Fulham of the Premier League – Fulham to outstanding mediocrity in the EPL last season.

If there was a Champions League trophy for not winning things but performing bravely Roy Hodgson is the man for you. Unfortunately isn’t that what Rafa Benitez, and before him Gerrard Houllier, delivered for the club?

Roy Hodgson is like the favourite uncle who no one wants to disappoint. Average players play for him. Great players won’t. Players who live to win like Fernando Torres and Stevie G don’t need or want an uncle. They want a winner.

Warren we all know that you reside in your own football fantasyland – a land where Liverpool are still a ‘BIG’ club that expects to win trophies every year. A club that all the BIG players around the world die to to play for and that away teams are petrified of, fear and dread.

In the real world though Liverpool are a club that hopes to win not expects to win. In this respect they are a good fit for Uncle Roy.

My message to you Warren is to jump on the next train departing fantasyland – Liverpool will win trophies no more and Nanna wants her KFC nuggets.

Carlos Alberto Diego