GOLDEN GRINGO AWARD

WINNERS JUNE 2005

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‘BOOK HIM DANO’ AWARD OF THE WEEK

In an unprecedented result there has been a 4 way tie for this gringo award….for

his stint in a Rotterdam jail cell on charges of rape its Arsenal’s Robin

‘NO ONLY MEANS NO SOMETIMES’ Van Persie

…… Liverpool full-back Steve ‘MAD MAX IS A PUSSY’ Finnan for being arrested

on suspicion of causing death by dangerous driving

….ex-Arsenal and Croatian star Davor ‘I HAVE AN ALIBI’ Suker who was questioned

this week by police about the execution style murder of his business partner

……and  finally FORMER Colombian international Jairo ‘JUST ONE FOR THE ROAD’ Castillo

who received a 3 year jail term this week for a drunken driving incident that resulted in the

death of two sisters

Congratulations to the boys – take it from the Diegos there’s nothing better in life than

bread, water, soap on a rope and a gringo award amigos

‘KISS OF DEATH’ AWARD OF THE WEEK

Goes to the man who likes ‘to giveth and taketh away’, yes the man you never believe

even if he says you’ve got direct entry to the world cup – FIFA PRESIDENT -

SEPP ‘THE RAT’ BLATTER who this week gave his blessing to Australia’s move into Asia.

‘I know I haven’t got a good track record with my promises to Australia but this time

I’m positive that FIFA will let the Aussies get what they’re asking for’ said BLATT ‘THE RAT’

(with all his fingers and toes crossed and nose growing at an alarming rate) exclusively to the Diegos 

A GOLDEN GRINGO TO YOU ‘RAT’ even though we hate you!

‘UNDERSTATED LIVERPOOL KISS’ AWARD OF THE WEEK

Goes to under-performing and over-paid EVERTON ‘used-to-be goal’ machine,

JAMES BEATTIE who this week described the ramming of his head – not once but three times-

into the back of the skull of Chelsea’s William Gallas earlier this season as not intentional. 

‘It wasn’t malicious’ declared ‘BUTT HEAD’ Beattie exclusively to the Diegos…

‘I head butted him three times yes … nearly cracked his cranium yes ….and dished out

some decent concussion…yes….but it was an accident…. and anyway I reckon he made a

meal of it especially when his eyes rolled back into his head as he descended

into a vegetative state’

A Gringo to you ‘BUTTHEAD’

‘I RECKON THE BOY’S GOT A FUTURE AS A COACH’

AWARD OF THE WEEK

Goes to hamstrung Socceroo Mark Viduka who this week, was at a loss to explain

why he scores so few goals for the Socceroos.

"I wouldn't have a clue. It's very frustrating. I've scored goals all my career,

and I would love to be top goal-scorer for Australia’ said V-Bomber exclusively

to the Diegos and the rest of the world through the Sydney Morning Herald this week.

When asked whether the Socceroos 4-5-1 ‘left alone in Siberia’ formation or the

FRANK FARINA ‘sieve’ defence system had anyhthing to do with it Viduka said:

"I'm not smart enough to give you an answer to that. I know nothing about

systems. If you tell me about a system, it could be a hot water system

for all I care."

Good to see the boy has got a future as a coach…..an golden gringo to you amigo

‘HARD YAKKA’ AWARD OF THE WEEK

Goes to A- League glamour club - SYDNEY FC who qualified for the final of the Oceania

zone of the Club World Championships in Tahiti this week

‘Its been a hard week of toil, slog and commitment’ said coach Pierre Litbarrski 

exclusively to the Diegos…’PINA COLADA WEDNESDAY

in the quarter final especially was a real COCKTAIL of guile

and skill …..PINEAPPLE UNITED in the semis ran us around

in GOLDEN CIRCLES….and I’m sure COCONUT CITY in the final

will be a hard NUT to crack’

Good luck boys bring home the cup and always remember –

SLIP, SLOP, SLAP ….. a golden gringo to you amigos

‘I’VE BEEN REJECTED’ AWARD OF THE WEEK

Goes to A-league ‘Banana Benders’ QUEENSLAND ROAR who, it appears, have been

rejected in their attempts to sign former England and Manchester United star Teddy

Sherringham for next season.

In the biggest rejection since Rachel on BIG BROTHER refused to skinny dip with the Diegos,

Sherringham was blunt and straight to the point ‘I’ll never play for a club that sounds like

it should be coached by Steve Irwin – the crocodile hunter’ he said exclusively to the Diegos

Good point Teddy – a golden one for you amigo

PARTY ANIMAL’ AWARD OF THE WEEK

Goes to reluctant Manchester United star, Rio Ferdinand who this week decided to

take time out from tough contract negotiations with the Red Devils and party hard

with his mates instead.

‘Hey man I’m having a blast….on Monday we let off a few fire extinguishers

at the Moomba Hotel during my mate’s bucks party. I’m not sure what

happened to the donkey though …..on Tuesday we got into a rumble outside a Swedish disco…..again I’m not sure what happen to the donkey….

boy did we have a blast!’ boasted Rio exclusively to the Diegos

Rumours the hi-jinx partying continued later in the week when Rio and his mates

‘egged’ Sir Alex Ferguson’s place, organized a few Daily Planet girls to visit Jose Mourinho’s home and swapped Arsenal FA Cup drug samples with those of

the Greece Olympic Track and Field team are yet to be confirmed however.

Rock on Rio – a Gringo to you mate!

‘YOU HAVE OUR FULL SUPPORT’ AWARD OF THE WEEK

Goes to beleaguered manager of newly promoted West Ham, Alan Pardew

who was told this week that he has the board’s full backing even though rumours abound that

the BOARD was ready to give him the chop 4 weeks ago.

‘Don’t get me wrong its great to have the Board’s full backing but forgive

me for not putting a down-payment on that mansion next to Jose Mourinho,

leasing that Rolls Royce or putting my kids Christmas pressies on

lay-by at Target …something tells me things could change’

said Pardew exclusively to the Diegos

A gringo to you Pards…and happy coaching amigo

‘I WOULDN’T SAY I WAS UPSET’ AWARD OF THE WEEK

Goes to Manchester United and England bench player Alan Smith who played

down rumours this week that he had a public bust up with the England

coaching staff over his non-selection for the game against Colombia.

“I wouldn’t say I was upset — I was just disappointed to see that

uncoordinated, untalented, crap, couldn’t tie my shoe laces, baby giraffe

Peter Crouch and that bald headed, stumpy, looks 47 but actually is 22,

eat my dust, smurf Andy Johnson get a game before me….no no  no …

I would say I was upset’ said Smith exclusively to the Diegos

Stay cool Smithy – a gringo to you amigo

WINNERS MAY 2005

‘THAT’S UNREASONABLE – I’M OUTTA HERE’

AWARD OF THE WEEK

Goes to Manchester United’s much maligned goalkeeper Roy ‘Can’t Catch’ Carroll

who up until this week was expected to sign a new contract after coach

Sir Alex Ferguson assured him he had a future at Old Trafford under certain conditions.

"Roy I’ll give you a contract if you learn how to catch the ball," said Sir Alex

to Carroll in unconfirmed reports

‘What catch the ball?’ retorted Carroll ‘Are you kidding Mr Blow-dryer?

What are you going to ask me to do next – rob the Bank of England?……

I won’t be treated like this and I won’t be judged on impossible expectations

like having to catch the ball –I’m outta here’

Roy now looking for another club….

A Golden Gringo to you Roy!

‘THERE ARE BETTER WAYS TO PUT A

SNAP IN YOUR SHORTS’

AWARD OF THE WEEK

Goes to former Chelsea player ADRIAN ‘I TOOK THE DRUGS BECAUSE

UGLY DAVE GRAY SAID IT WOULD IMPROVE MY SEX LIFE’ MUTU who this week

completed his seven-month suspension after testing positive for cocaine.

‘For all the little kiddies out there ‘say no to drugs’’ said Mutu

exclusively to the Diegos

‘…and to all the dad’s out there go for Karma Sutra possie number 47

and think about being oiled down by the cast of Desperate Housewives to put a snap in your shorts instead….…its less trouble you know’

A Golden Gringo to you Adrian!

‘FOOTBALL IS LIKE ITALIAN POLITICS’

AWARD OF THE WEEK

Goes to AC Milan owner and prime minister of Italy, Silvio Berlusconi who insisted that coach Carlo Ancelotti, will not be sacked despite his failure to win a trophy for the

club this season.

"Sack Ancelotti? I'm not sacking anybody," said Italy's prime minister

exclusively to the Diegos

"Football is like politics. Sometimes you think you are going to win, and then you don't.

Sometimes you take bribes and then you don’t and sometimes there’s a candidate

who likes to flash her breasts in parliament and then there isn’t….

have I gone to far with this analogy??

By the way a big hello to Ciccolina out there – I miss your policies bella"

A Golden Gringo to you Silvio!

‘THE FIRST CUT IS THE DEEPEST’

AWARD OF THE WEEK

Goes to Socceroos, Harry Kewell & Stan Lazaridis who will both go under the knife this off-season to finally fix their chronic grumbling groin issues.

‘I’m not sure whether we are going to cut, scrape, gouge, pull or stretch the offending areas downstairs in Harry & Stan’s tool shed but I swear to GOD come hell or high water these groins will be pumping with the best of them once I get through with them’ said the Four Diegos very own world leader in tool shed surgery Doctor Groin

Whilst the boys have publicly admitted that they will undergo sensitive surgery reports that Doctor Groin’s Extreme makeover team will also add a few extra inches while they are down there is yet to be confirmed however.

‘WHAT’S UP WITH HIM’ AWARD OF THE WEEK

Goes to prickly Sydney FC star David Carney who this week declared that he is sick and tired of being asked about his former teammate Manchester United sensation Wayne Rooney.

‘I’m truly sick of it – all people ever ask me about is Wayne Rooney…..what about me I say? They never ask me about me’ whined Carney exclusively to the Diegos ahead of the launch of his soon to be released book…… ‘I PLAY FOOTBALL AND VISIT PROSTITUTES TOO YOU KNOW’

‘PLEA’ of the Week

Goes to CHELSEA and England star Frank Lampard who this week issued an impassioned plea to the thieves who robbed his London home, to return his specially-made football boots.

‘I don’t care about the cars, TV sets or HI FI units – all I want are my boots back – please return my Adidas-made Predator Pulse II X-TRX boots – they mean everything to me’ cried Lampard exclusively to the Diegos CSI unit this week

Reports that he would also like returned the precontract he signed with Real Madrid, Rebecca Loos phone number and his specially made Claudio Ranieri dart board are yet to be confirmed however

‘RED CARD OF LOVE’ AWARD OF THE WEEK

Goes to Real Madrid striker Ronaldo and his fiancé, former model Daniella Cicarelli who this week officially announced their separation to the Spanish press.

No public comment was made by both parties on why they split but in an exclusive interview with Daniella, the Diegos can reveal that apparently having to wake up to Ronaldo’s gap tooth smile every morning, kissing his chipmunk face every night and the fact that David Beckham is more of a generous lover than the Brazilian goal sneak had more than a little to do with it.

‘HIJACK’ OF THE WEEK

Goes to the thousands of Glasgow CELTIC fans who hijacked the Newcastle United club internet poll to vote on-loan Craig Bellamy Newcastle Player of the Year.

In unconfirmed Diego reports Bellamy was voted the club’s top player ahead of Osama Bin Laden, the Bali 9, Vinnie Jones, Eddie McGuire & Peter Costello

The Glasgow fans wish to offer their congratulations to all the winners

‘BEST GOOD LUCK CHARM’ OF THE WEEK AWARD

Goes to all 4 managers of English Premier League teams fighting against relegation this weekend.

Going into his game against Portsmouth, for good luck West Bromwich Albion manager Bryan Robson will have a little BUDDHA given to him by his wife in his pocket.

Southampton manager will have a little angel given to him by his kids in his trouser pocket to bring him good luck against Manchester United

Crystal Palace manager Iain Dowie will have a picture of Father Christmas in his pocket because he believes in Santa & miracles and as far as Norwich manager Nigel Worthington goes well we’re not really sure …..but Nige is that a cucumber in your pocket or are you just happy to see the Diegos amigo

       PAST GOLDEN GRINGO AWARDS WINNERS