Name: Carlos Alberto Diego

I'm a Diegos expert in….. Kissing Your Sister Cups.

Favourite style of play….. Free spirited ‘W’ formation with a touch of catenaccio.

Football likes…… Strikers who hog the ball and play shop-window football.

Football Dislikes…… Ball-playing centre halves…………..a blight on the game!

Favourite player…….  Diego Maradona…….pre-links with the Camorra in Naples, pre-Neapolitan love child, pre-cocaine addiction, pre-stomach staples, pre-journalist air rifling, pre-positive drug test 1994 World Cup, pre-Boca Juniors orange hair phase……yep I  liked him best when he was about eight years old.

I once won…….. Best first year player……….I was 33 at the time.

Most memorable Diego moment…..  a 10 minute Diego’s interview with Chelsea keeper Petr Cech in 2005 where his only reply to each question was ‘Yes’ or ‘No’…………made for riveting radio!

My father once told me.....You have no chance ….you have your grandmother’s groins.

My mother once told me.....of course you’re gonna make it darling ……that coach is just a bastard.

My coach once told me…..that my signing on fee would be a gear box for my VW.

Football persons I would love to cook dinner for and what I would cook…. Martin Keown and Ruud Van Nistelrooy ……..a pizza and pasta buffet.

The message to the world I would write on my under garment ……'I Belong to Paolo DiCanio'.

Football memorabilia I'd like to own…… Steven Ireland’s wig.

The player I channel when I take the field….. David Beckham ….I make sure he has his ATM card on him at the time.

My preferred prong formation…….  Prongs are overrated ….I respect a coach who can win without prongs.

Love is .... A post game massage from Olga the Ukrainian club physio……..ah yes iron curtain hips, cold war lips.