violence

Goes to Tottenham Hotspur and Mali star FREDI KANOUTE who was pleased to make it home after having an angry mob of 70,000 Mali fans invade the pitch and threaten to kill him during his team’s 2-1 loss to local rivals Togo in the African World Cup qualifiers this week….

‘I would’ve taken them all on if it weren’t for my dodgy hamstring’ said a cocky Kanoute, 20,000 kms from where the seething throng is still baying for his blood…

‘It was the same dodgy hamstring that made me miss 3 open goals for Mali and basically have a crap season for Tottenham…..in fact if it wasn’t for my dodgy hamstring I’d be the best player in the world…..so to any Maliese fans out there - come on I’II have you right after I ice my dodgy hammy first ”

'IT COULDN'T HAVE BEEN MAD STARE. HE WAS BEING SENT OFF SOMEWHERE ELSE'

AWARD OF THE WEEK

Goes to Uruguayan authorities who this week are investigating the death of a Uruguayan soccer player who was killed in a wild brawl outside a nightclub in Montevideo.

'It wasn't me. I've got an alibi. I was being sent off against Grimsby Town," said Wolverhampton Wanderers and Socceroo hard man, Kevin 'Mad Stare' Muscat in unconfirmed reports.

Reports that Montevideo police want to know the whereabouts Craig 'MAD COW' Moore, Danny 'THE TWITCH' Tiatto, Gary 'ROMPER' McDowell, John 'KILLER' Kosmina, David 'RAT POISON' Ratcliffe, Ken 'THE DIRTIEST SOCCEROO EVER' Murphy and Steve 'OK YOU'RE GONE PAL' O'Conner and Ray 'RIP YER BLOODY ARMS OFF' Richard's on the night are yet to be confirmed.